As is well known around here, I grew up in Portland, a small fishing hamlet in Oregon. There, beneath the towering rainforest, we would sometimes light bonfires to warm our calloused hands and drive away bears.

If Bush were drafting for the war with Iraq, would you dodge? What if it meant you wouldn't be readmitted to college?

That's an interesting one. I wouldn't fight because there isn't a single element of Bush's foreign policy that I agree with. The only way that I would ever fight in a war would be if the United States were being invaded. If that were the case I'd volunteer. I wouldn't wait for the draft.

If you were in charge of the renovation of the abandoned house off the bike path, what would you do with it?

Well, first of all, I'd have to stop growing pot there.

Do you think that Campus Police are too strict?

It's just a small liberal arts college with nothing more than a kegger or two on the weekends. At home, I always like to cooperate with cops, but here every time I've tried to they've been assholes.

If you could interview one person on campus, who would it be?

Gramps. I told him ninjas jumped me for my card once, and he went into a tirade about he and Teddy Roosevelt had killed all of the ninjas in a campaign in '47.

What do you think about the Winona Ryder shoplifting case?

I'm sure she's guilty, and the judge has to do what he has to do. But I hope he would see the humor in Winona Ryder's stealing from Saks Fifth Avenue. I mean, didn't she grow up with Allen Ginsberg? On a commune? More power to her. It's great.

Do you think that people like Bill Gates, the ultrarich who play the capitalist game best, should be allowed to be so wealthy?

I think first of all that it's important that people should be allowed to be rich, but I don't think people should be allowed to be grossly rich. Because money is abstract, we lose sight of its importance. If it were in the form of food,like chickens, people would see more clearly that you can't have all of the chickens in one guy's yard. It's good that Gates and his Dad are pushing for the estate tax. My biggest complaint is that he doesn't do anything interesting with his money. He does noble things, but not interesting things.

Do you want to be rich someday?

It's in my life plan. I would prefer if the money would come to me. On that note, I dropped my English major today.