n. def. Guys have one ladder for every girl they meet. When a guy meets a girl, he puts her somewhere on the "girls I want to fuck" ladder: friends, girlfriends, Britney Spears-it makes no difference, each girl gets placed. While he desires those on the top rungs more than he does those on the bottom, after a few drinks, middle-of-the-ladder girls are fair game-and the next day, he'll admit to it. After a few more, he'll hook up with a bottom-of-the-ladder girl, even if he won't fess up afterwards.

Girls, on the other hand, have two ladders: a girl instantly classifies every guy she meets as either "friend" or "possible fuck." It is very rare-damn near impossible-for guys to make the jump from the friend ladder onto the fuck ladder. Those naive, brave souls who attempt it almost invariably end up in the abyss of awkwardness-the space between the two ladders. Yes, guys, you may be angling to sneak into the garden of Eden via the apple of friendship, but beware-like Adam, you are doomed from the start.

XX: I disagree. On occasion, I've been known to have one (or five) too many drinks. On such occasions, no one is on any ladder-they've all fallen off because I'm so dizzy. Even a friend, alas, is a possible hook-up.

XY: Still, don't act like the guys who fall into the "you're too much like a brother/father/[insert male family member here]" category have any chance of putting their kielbasa in your bun, even when both of your ladders have collapsed. How many times have my fellow friend-ladder-mates and I been told, "I don't want to ruin our special friendship," while she runs off with some jock?

XX: Thank you, Y chromosome, for bringing me to my point: The ladder theory is merely the invention of some young, bitter men who were rejected by their long-term unrequited loves and forced to spend eternity petting the one-eyed snake.

XY: You'd like to think that you had that kind of power, wouldn't you? Sadly, though, this isn't bitterness talking. It's experience. And right now I have a girlfriend, so spare me the "you're just mad 'cause you haven't gotten ass in two years" routine.

XX: Mad props on the girlfriend card. Way to stoop.

XY: All right, I'll buy that some girls may have one ladder, but I have two words for you: cuddle buddy. Explain.

XX: A piece of advice for all you cuddle buddies out there: as your friendship with a girl grows, you lower the chances you have of getting in her pants. GET OUT of this terrible situation. So the next time she comes to you crying about her boyfriend, don't give her a hug. Instead, give her the cold shoulder. Or better yet, tell her to dump him. It's sad but true: nice guys really do finish last.

XY: I'll tackle that one later. Well, thank you for basically admitting that cuddle buddies, the ultimate guy friends, are in fact nowhere to be found on the fuck ladder, thus proving the ladder theory correct.