XX: The title of our column this week could also be "The Lost Art." True, cunnilingus had its day in the sun in the first "American Pie" film; remember the "Tongue Tornado"? If you're like most guys, though, you probably don't.
XY: So what, last weekend he didn't reciprocate?
XX: I'm not saying that he didn't. I am saying that he didn't work hard enough at it, didn't practice enough-
XY: -And you propose that he practice how? By causing a scene at the local seafood restaurant?
XX: I knew you'd take the cheap fish shot.
XY: It's not that I hate doing it. I mean, I don't love it, but I do like pleasing my woman, and if that's what it takes, I'm all about the cunnilingus. But it's hypocritical for girls to criticize men's unwillingness or hesitancy to go "down there" when they themselves have never been "down there" (bisexuals excepted). Here's an analogy: it's easy to criticize former Knicks team president Scott Layden when you've never conducted a draft or negotiated a trade ...
XX: Isn't it like a man to bring sports into this! The real problem is that after Bill Clinton, the blowjob and all its trappings-"spit or swallow," the flavor, the "twist," the tongue ring-became part of our collective consciousness. Not so, eating out. Sure, you've been instructed on how to find the G-spot, but more in the context of plain old intercourse than anything else. And as an aside, when was the last time you gave another guy head?
XY: Listen, I don't have to have given another guy head to tell you one, that penises don't smell and two, that unless you're engaged in some Linda Lovelace-style deep throating, you don't come away with pubes in your mouth. In our last column, I was all in favor of reciprocation, but let's be fair: giving a blowjob is a qualitatively different experience from going down on a girl.
XX: Sipping on Haterade, I see. If the penis is so great, why are you straight?
XY: You act as if eating out is the same as giving a blowjob. Really, the worst part about giving a blowjob, as far as I can tell, is that it gets boring and repetitive; as for the taste, I have two words: "slightly salty." Suck it up. For one thing, as a matter of surface area, it's simply much easier to give head than to massage a clit; for another, you're not contending with the cunning linguist's Axis of Evil: unruly hair, foul odors and mysterious juices.
XX: While you continue to whine, I want to reach out to those readers who want to please their special ladies this coming weekend. I offer all of you eager beavers this advice: it's like the three L's of real estate, location, location, location. And once you're there, variation and rotation.
XY: Other bits of advice handed down to me over the years (in no particular order): make the alphabet with your tongue; mix up direct contact and brushing the hood; tease lots; and if you're advanced, hum ("good vibrations ...").
XX: You know more than I thought you would. Not much more, but more. Gentlemen, open up the floodgates and let the advice flow!