n. def. "I can't define it … but I'll know it when I see it."-Supreme Court

Justice Potter Stewart, Jacobellis v. Ohio (1964).

XY: But my esteemed colleague does not know, because she has not seen it. Hence the idea for this column. In order to substantiate the idea, though, we had to procure material. Thank you sketchy Adults Only in Hadley.

XX: So, we narrowed it down to two DVDs: "Debbie Does Dallas: Revenge" and "Hustler Confidential: Hard as Diamonds." We went with "Hard as Diamonds" because it takes place in South Africa, plus it appeared to have a more well-developed plot. Following is a log of our viewing experience.

XX: (0:01:00) 'Say hello to my little friend.' Okay, so he's not so little.

XY: I'm surprised. I was expecting something … err … bigger.

XX: Dream on.

XY: (0:02:00) First creaming of the day. That didn't take long.

XY: (0:04:00) He just nutted for the fifth time, I think. Did the director cut ninth grade bio? Isn't he familiar with the refractory period?

XX: Doesn't she want to wipe that up? She acts as though she likes the taste!

XY: (0:09:00) She's voluptuous. I'm being generous.

XX: I like that. You don't see that in Hollywood.

XX: (0:26:00) I haven't seen a vagina expand like that since "Miracle of Life" in twelfth grade health class. "Miracle" and this film have one thing in common: they both make me want to abstain from sex.

XY: (0:30:00) Funniest line so far: "So which one of you two wants to suck my cock first?"

XX: (0:39:00) Insofar as we can tell, the plot centers on a pair of missing attache cases, one of which contains $20 million in stolen diamonds, and an "innocent" couple (we took that from the back of the movie cover) who like to have sex in the shower. Without water running.

XY: (0:45:00) A reference to African diamond smuggling! (a few seconds later) Double penetration!

XX: (0:57:00) I'm impressed by this interracial "relationship" that they're having. Yes, apartheid is definitely over. Oh wow, someone else joined in!

XX: (1:15:00) They're having a party in front of their captives. A sex party.

XY: So that's how you treat your captives. If we did that at Gitmo, would Human Rights Watch be on our case for torturing the devout Muslim captives?

XY: (1:17:00) How come I only know the men's names? I'm not asking for depth of character, just for the women to be more than penis repositories.

XX: (1:27:00) I saw a movie once where a man told his son that the clitoris "is like a guitar string, you pluck it." Here, it's like a string, a bongo drum and a clarinet reed all in one.

XY: (1:32:00) A merciful conclusion. Honestly, I was prepared for the nuts and bolts, but the monotony just wore on me toward the end. Too many blowjobs, too many close-ups of penetration.

XX: It's like SeaWorld. You see one fish jump, you've seen 'em all. And by the way, you have to return the video.