n. def. Lechery, sir, it provokes, and unprovokes;

it provokes the desire, but it takes

away the performance ...

... it persuades him,

and disheartens him; makes him stand to, and

not stand to ...-Macbeth, Act II, Scene 3

XX: Even the Bard wasn't immune to the powers drinking has over sexual performance. Shakespeare is universal-English majors, this is why you're here!

XY: Has anyone ever thought about this irony? Alcohol, as a social lubricant, facilitates hooking up. But at the same time that it makes you want it more, your inability to get it up or to finish becomes that much more excruciating.

XX: It's really a tease for everyone involved. Weren't you talking just last week about "false advertising?" Aye, there's the rub! It works both ways, partner.

XY: No disagreement there. Every time I win nine games in a row at the Beirut table, I'm reminded of why I said I'd throw the third game the weekend before.

XX: I've seen you at the Beirut table and I'm wondering when you last won nine games in a night, much less nine in a row-

XY: -It was probably three weeks ago. But my Beirut abilities are not in question. Back to the topic at hand.

XX: I'm not really sure what you want me to say here. I mean, it sucks. I guess I could call for the victim to work some oral magic, but if he's that drunk something tells me that a tongue twister will probably lack the requisite twist.

XY: Right. Here's one possible solution: The point of drinking is to make it easier for both parties to wind up under the sheets. Once you both get a good buzz going, cease with the brain cell obliteration. Think about it. She can be drunk or she can be tipsy, but as long as you can pass at least one field sobriety test, you'll both wind up where you want to be. She'll enjoy it, and so will you. Go the extra mile, and neither party ends up happy.

XX: Give me a break. If we all knew how to get perfectly tipsy no one would ever have dorm damage charges for "vomit on the walls of the bathroom." I'm more interested in solving the awkwardness quotient. As in, should you leave right away or fool around for a certain period of time and try again, or what?

XY: I'm not saying every guy should rush out and buy one of those Sharper Image personal breathalysers. But you know just as well as I do that everyone has a limit. And if you drink regularly, you know what that limit is.

XX: Knowing your limit doesn't mean that you follow it. As per your hypothetical nine-game win streak. Men are stubborn: Get out if he can't get it up; don't listen if he tells you to give it "just five more minutes!"

XY: Walk out on him in his hour of need-and yes, I said "hour"-and you will be the equivalent of a hook-up leper.

XX: So you want to be cuddled after you fail?

XY: She shouldn't be consigned to an hour of giving head. Nor should she walk out on him. She should at least let her man take over and support him any way she can, by verbal encouragement or more titillating displays of self-love.