n. def. the fantasy of most guys we know ...

XX: But not necessarily the dream of most women. No one I've talked to can ever really explain it, but scoring with two men lacks the appeal that guys find in hooking up with two girls at once. For me, being with two guys at once feels objectifying-

XY: -and not without good reason. I'm betting the last time you saw two guys going at it with one girl was when we watched "Hard as Diamonds"-

XX: -actually, no, over break I watched "Threesome," that classic early-'90s homage to two guys and a girl.

XY: Oh yeah, when Lara Flynn Boyle weighed more than 90 lbs. Anyway, "Threesome" is one of those rare cases where two guys on one girl does not amount to gang bang. And it's fictional. Most of the time, a girl with two guys is on the wrong end of the objectifying continuum. A guy with two girls, on the other hand, has augmented his manhood.

XX: At least according to conventional wisdom. And I'll admit it, I haven't met many men who would agree to be the second male in the group, while many women I know don't find the thought of being the "third wheel" repulsive.

XY: I think that may stem from the expectations governing guys and girls in threesomes. Two girls are pretty much expected to hook up with each other while the guy watches, then draw him into the encounter, then trade him off. It's doubtful two guys, if they even get that far, will agree to hook up with each other. Yes, it's a double standard. It's the theme of the column, I think.

XX: You've watched too much porn and spent too much time in bio class imagining the girls you're sitting next to or whatever. You are not Ron Jeremy and they're not Jenna Jameson. Moreover, stop listening to those song lyrics about a lady on the street and a freak in the bed!

XY: Listen, I know I'm not the Hedgehog. But tell me, how should a threesome go down? And don't give me any bullshit about tender love and care.

XX: Well now that you've asked me to think about it, I will. A guy and a girl can be hooking up and another girl can find herself aroused and join in-

XY: -wait, where is this girl coming from? Is she just in the room watching as they hook up? Explain yourself, woman!

XX: The same could be said of your own scenario. Anyway, I've never been in a threesome myself and women don't spend their spare time thinking about threesomes, hypothetical or otherwise. But I know that they do happen, and I think your imagination has just run wild into every teenage boy's fantasy.

XY: Thank you, Ms. Sharpton; you sure can criticize without posing a solution. Suffice it to say, you have tried-and failed-to explain the mechanics of a threesome. Tsk tsk.

XX: I can admit when I don't have the necessary experience, but I don't think that watching dirty movies makes you an expert, either.

XY: I'm not claiming I'm an expert-I'm not, alas. I'm just saying that if you manage to find a willing third (male or female), you'd best take full advantage of the opportunity.

XX: Agreed. And in an homage to opening day, swing for the fences, readers!