n. def. Most definitely not "everywhere you want to be." Your virginity, actually. We're talking penetration here. None of that sissy oral sex shit.

XY: To quote the immortal Kevin in "American Pie" (not the first time we've quoted this cinematic masterpiece, nor will it be the last), "enough of this blowjob bullshit, I gotta get laid already."

XX: A common sentiment among, well, all the young men I know. I guess when the blowjobs are coming in eighth grade, a guy gets greedy. So every guy wants to lose his (generalizing here) v-card, but women have, I think, a more complicated relationship with their, er-

XY: -cherries. What you mean to say is "cherries." Not that every guy is in a nuclear arms race to lose his virginity-just every guy I know (though now is the appropriate time to admit even I regret not waiting 'til I found a girl I cared about). On second thought, actually, I do have a Catholic friend who has yet to partake of that sweet, delicious fruit (picture me drooling Homer Simpson-style).

XX: But you have friends who remain virgins because they can't get laid and not by choice, right?

XY: No, though if you had asked me a couple months ago, I would have replied in the affirmative. It's not that my friends are horndogs; they're just 19-, 20-, 21-year-old (atheist) guys.

XX: So basically, once a guy hits his 20s, he best have stuck it in somewhere?

XY: Unless he has a good reason, there is a stigma. Is this guy weird? Why hasn't he found anyone willing to accept his penis in all its coital glory? Face it, nobody wants to be the 23-year-old calling into "Loveline" asking Dr. Drew (Amherst alum alert!) about the mechanics of intercourse.

XX: I'm left wondering if it's different for girls. My mom always said the first time should be special, you should at least think that you're in love with him, etc. At the same time, though, pop culture says everyone's doing it. I just don't know if there's an age where a girl/woman feels inadequate if she hasn't done it, even if she's turned down offers in hopes of finding the "right" one.

XY: How uniquely American. Nowhere else in the Western world is the v-card so cherished, and yet so maligned. One explanation I would proffer is the ubiquity of blowjobs in the States. You don't have all these girls "saving" themselves. In Europe, they're like, blowjob, intercourse-it's all the same; I'd just as soon enjoy myself that little bit more.

XX: And yet my question goes unanswered. If you're about to sleep with a girl (not a long-term girlfriend) and she admits that she's a virgin, do you go full-speed ahead?

XY: No, I slow down. Not because I really think vaginal sex is qualitatively different from oral (I laugh at the girls I've heard of taking it up the butt because they want to keep their hymens intact), but because a girl remembers her first, and I wouldn't want to be the one she remembers ruefully.

XX: Yeah, it would be awful if she thought all penises curved to the left. It is strange that even we, who hold nothing sacred, find a girl's virginity to be something, well, sacred.

XY: I know it's an impossible task in the remaining few lines, but I'm going to ask anyway: Why must it be like this? In our sex-addled society, where "virginal" Britney Spears holds court over the 12-year-olds of America, why is the v-card still sacred?

XX: I wish I knew. Maybe it's AIDS, or a historical hangover, a remnant of our Puritan roots. I'm no sociologist, and I'm no Puritan, either, but I still think my mom had a point (even if I rail against the double standard 'til my throat's raw).

XY: I realize now that last week's column was incomplete. I forgot the old-and ever-puissant-maternal cockblock. Mothers-at least they're good for doing our laundry and taking us out to nice dinners on Family Weekend.