Phoenix, Ariz. Have you gotten used to Amherst's never-ending snow storms or is it still an adjustment?
Every time I land at the airport and am greeted by the endless blue sky, brilliantly bright sun and the familiar sight of my beloved cacti, I think to myself, "Why do people choose to punish themselves by living in New England?" To be honest, the only thing that keeps me going through the winters is the knowledge that I'm not stuck in Amherst forever. You New Englanders enjoy your seasons; I'll take a year of constant sun over a fleeting fall and an arctic winter any day.
I hear you were a popular formal date in high school. How many proms did you attend?
Eight proms and two debutante balls. It's not that I was an oversexed pimp or anything like that, but instead that my club swim team had a group of girls my age who were eternally boyfriend-less. Yet from these humble beginnings, I have finally started a secondary career as an escort. My first gig is April 9, when I will be flown to Duke [University] to escort a client (OK, she's a high school friend, but client sounds more official) to her sorority's formal. She paid for the ticket on one condition-that I make her ex-boyfriend extremely jealous. My going rate is $250 for an evening, and this fee does not include transportation to and from the airport. Book now: it's a first-come, first-serve basis.
How long have you been swimming competitively? How is life on the Amherst swim team?
My first meet as a year-round swimmer was when I was seven, and one of the reasons that I still drag myself to the pool each day is the team here. The Amherst swimmers have perfectly combined intellect, determination, talent and craziness in such a way that we have managed to provide enough drama to keep the rumor mills spinning at full throttle the last three years.
What's the best thing about having your sister with you at the College?
The two years before Jennifer [Lewkowitz '08] came, people thought I was weird and making up all the funny stories I tell people about my family. Now that she's here, saying the same stories, complete with some of the same personality quirks that I have, people know that I'm just a product of my upbringing and not crazy.
Where did you study abroad last semester? Do you have any crazy stories you'd care to share?
I was in Valparaíso, Chile. There are so many stories to choose from-from the "choe" and "Anna Kournikova" to the intestinal consequences of drinking river water unknowingly, but I guess I'll settle on one that still makes me laugh out loud whenever I think about it. On my last night, my Chilean brothers and I went to the casino at four in the morning after playing Chilean drinking games all night. On the walk back, one of them was disappointed that a particular game-involving plastic horses running around a pretend track-was closed. He was going on and on about how the only thing he wanted to do was to ride the horses. Suddenly, out of the shadows, this deep, booming voice calls out, "You still have a chance to ride a horse tonight." Then someone steps out of the bushes and into the light. It was a transvestite hooker.
Do you have any pets?
I got the two free goldfish from the Campus Center, and [Jillian] Wyrick ['05] supplied the ingenious names of Mary Kate and Ashley. They lasted about a week until I accidentally killed them. Who knew that using tap water would kill them? As soon as MK was flushed down the toilet, Ash started floating belly-up. Actually, it could have been the other way around, 'cause I forgot which one was which.
I hear that when things get slow at parties, you like to liven things up with a special dance. Care to elaborate on the specifics of this dance?
How did you find out about this? It's called "The Microwave," and you pretend that you're microwaving a pizza. As in, you open the door up, put your food in, wait for the buzzer to go off, slice the pizza, and finally eat it. You know you want to learn it.
Is there anything that your friends tease you about?
Oh God. They make fun of my (academic) obsession with Mexicans, being part of the Jewish Mafia, what my sister calls my "diarrhea of the mouth" ('cause I talk a lot), and my complete lack of both common sense and direction.