No, it wasn't just disappointing. It wasn't just tedious. It wasn't even just dry. It was God-awful horrendous. A big old hot mess of one cringe-worthy sequence after another, after another, after another. Yeah, there were cute moments. But those cute moments were viciously stomped to death by the rest of the infuriating broadcast like a poor, helpless kitten teamed up against a ruthless dog with rabies. And by ruthless dog with rabies, I don't just mean Celine Dion, although that is a fine guess.
Let's start with the nauseatingly cheesy opening sequence featuring "Happy Feet" characters frolicking to make it to the Oscar ceremony on time and eventually meet up with other nominees on the way there. I'm sorry, but this penguin trend is wearing mighty thin. And then, of course, there was host Ellen Degeneres-poor, sweet, devastatingly bland Ellen Degeneres. Her vanilla humor and awkward, nervous delivery made me both sympathetic to and frustrated with her. That said, the moment she asked Steven Spielberg to take a picture of her with Martin Scorsese for her non-existent MySpace account was worth a smile. Though I doubt any host in the future will be as bad as Chris Rock was in 2005, I still long for the glory days of Billy Crystal's engaging onstage magic.
As for the rest of the production, well, don't get me started. From the embarrassing (and random) gospel choir that interrupted Degeneres' opening monologue by singing the praises of the show that was about to start, to the seemingly endless lifetime achievement awards presentations (Oh, Ennio Morricone, why did you have to give a 200-years-long speech in Italian with no subtitles or translation? It was more painful than a Megillah reading), the whole presentation reeked of bad writing and unfocused direction. Unlike the rest of the audience, I actually thought the weird performance artsy shadow puppet dancers were likeable; however, the shot of the CGI cartoon nominees sitting nervously in the audience and telling corny jokes right before the Best Animated Feature was just worth a hearty groan.
Oh, and those song performances? Between the big-name acts (aforementioned Celine Dion singing a nasal, put-you-to-sleep Morricone-written tribute to … Morricone, Melissa Etheridge's "inspiring" "Inconvenient Truth" Oscar-winner "I Need to Wake Up," the Dreamgirls singing three forgettable "Dreamgirls" tunes and whatever cheesy crap Randy Newman wrote for this year's Pixar pic) everything was just dull and nothing was memorable. In fact, I was in such a mind-numbing fog from it all that I don't even recall Newman ever being onstage. And really, I think we've had enough of Beyoncé's Oscar performances to last this decade already.
The most devastating aspect of the night for me was the selection of nominees and winners themselves. This year's nominees must have been the worst collective batch in years. Not one of the Best Picture choices especially stood out (yes, I mean you too, "Little Miss Sunshine"!), and three out of four of the acting awards were so predictable there needn't have been nominees at all for those categories-they should have just awarded Forest Whitaker, Helen Mirren and Jennifer Hudson during the announcements conference for the other nominees. As for Alan Arkin, well, the only reasons he won for Best Supporting Actor were because a) Arkin is old, b) Eddie Murphy was losing luster after months of praise and the release of the poorly received "Norbit" and c) no one paid attention to former child star Jackie Earle Haley who delivered a phenomenal portrayal of a creepy, yet sympathetic pedophile in the under-appreciated "Little Children."
What killed it for me wasn't even "Pan's Labyrinth"'s loss to "The Lives of Others" for the Best Foreign Film Oscar, but "Little Miss Sunshine" scribe Michael Arndt's ridiculous win for Best Original Screenplay. This little film is admittedly cute, even enjoyable on the first viewing, but it tries way too hard to be quirky-a "Royal Tenenbaums" wannabe without the whimsical charm. How could this win over "The Queen"'s brilliant writing, regal allure and painstakingly researched re-creation of events? This was, in my mind, purely a travesty.
So, what should the producers of the Academy Awards do to spice things up for next year? First of all, they can start by putting the titles of the films from which they're showing clips during the montages (a-duh!) so I can actually go out and rent whatever they're trying to promote.
Then they can get cracking on writing more funny songs and skits, like this year's brilliant highlight, a hilarious song about how comedy gets gypped for the awards and what comedians should do to make themselves more Academy-friendly, performed by Will Ferrell, Jack Black and the ever-lovable John C. Reilly. Even resorting to pre-recorded vignettes, like last year's fake Oscar campaign commercials making fun of the Best Actress nominees' names, would be a pleasure for viewers.
Also, it is important to integrate the "big" awards into the ceremony from time to time with the "little awards," so as not to make the show bottom-heavy and weighed-down with technical prizes. This was the first year that the ceremony didn't start by awarding Best Supporting Actress, adding to the overall tedium and antsiness of the program.
Finally, they can actually choose better movies! I don't mean dumb down the awards with low-art Wayans brothers' fare (can you imagine "White Chicks" at the awards?), but how about choosing more worthy and well-produced comedies and genre flicks in the vain of "40-Year-Old Virgin" and "Kill Bill," and fewer made-just-to-win-Oscars, politics-lite dramas like "Babel" and "Crash." Maybe then Oscar-lovers like myself can actually enjoy the program instead of feeling the anticlimactic indigestion of a ceremony whose hype tastes good, but whose texture doesn't go down smoothly.
And please, please bring back Billy Crystal!