Most "Office" fangirls go for the obvious cuties-nice guy Jim Halpert (with his adorable little hipster haircut), Machiavellian temp-cum-corporate player Ryan Howard (the scruffy look is so fetch right now), even oblivious-but-loveable boss Michael Scott (he's, uh, good with kids?) Personally, I'm more into "semi-autistic fanboy Nazis," as my friend Zoe's father would phrase it. But that's just me.
There is just something about Dwight that is incredibly attractive. He has a tall, meaty, slightly ursine quality to him, and frankly, I like my men to have elven facial features. At first glance, he's not much to feast your eyes upon, but that is mostly because of his boring office wardrobe, awful '80's-style eyeglasses, and indescribably horrendous haircut. Still, having seen what his portrayer, Rainn Wilson, looks like in real life, I know that Dwight could clean up very nicely. Very nicely…
Ahem. Anyway, Dwight and I have a lot in common. For instance, we both have extensive fanship interest in the Harry Potter series, "Heroes," and "Battlestar Galactica." We both have an appreciation for bobblehead dolls and action figures and I, personally, am also afraid of androids taking over the world. Dwight and I even have an obsession for simulated reality "games," although he goes for "Second Life" while I prefer "The Sims." And for the love of all things awesome, he rocks out to Mötley Crüe to energize himself before professional meetings! He is just about the man of my dreams.
Dwight would also make an ideal husband. He's Dunder-Mifflin's number one salesman and also runs a relatively successful beet farm, which also seconds as an agritourist bed-and-breakfast-meaning, he's financially stable. In addition, Dwight has strong values, something that I require in my life mate. He's strongly opposed to drugs and any sort of law- and rule-breaking. He has a healthy respect for authority, commands authority himself (at least, he thinks he does) and knows how to play the sycophant enough to win favor with his superiors. He's a natural protector, trained in the art of surveillance and Goju-Ryu karate, and has had experience as a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy on the weekends. He is also a weapons expert who owns everything from a potato gun to throwing stars. Remember, he even pepper-sprayed Roy Anderson right in the eyeballs when he tried to attack Jim! Finally, he is rather skilled at disciplining children, as we saw in "Take Your Daughter to Work Day." I would be proud to mother his progeny.
Speaking of carrying his seed, Dwight happens to have the kind of genes I would like to pass on to the future generation. For instance, in "Health Care," we learned that his immune system is faultless and that he has the ability to fluctuate his own cholesterol at will, two qualities I would prefer my children to have as well. Also, I am impressed with the Schrute family tradition of producing very thirsty babies, something that ensures me that my children would have healthy appetites and grow up to be strong and vigorous, like their vater.
There are just two little problematic issues about Dwight that I need to address. First, he's a little sexist and prejudiced, and has Nazi war criminal grandparents, which are not usually the kind of things a Nice Jewish Girl from Long Island usually looks for in a partner. Then again, what is a good woman if not someone able to change her man to fit her needs and standards? Secondly, and this is only a teeny tiny minute detail, but Dwight is, well, fictional. This hasn't stopped my love in the past (damn you, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley will be mine!), but it does put a hamper on the whole marriage thing.
Scoff if you must, but what is sexier than a man that can play "Mambo No. 5" on the recorder?