It was bound to happen. You knew that one day it was going to capitalize on all the success of other colleges’ sex columns and blogs. Actually, we’re really the last paper to jump on the sex bandwagon, especially since Harvard’s Lena Chen ’09 debuted her very graphic and self-indulgent blog, “Sex and the Ivy” in August 2006.
Since then, a bevy of top-ranked schools have tried to outdo the competition with article after article, each more explicit than the last, in a contest called “We’re Gonna Show the Plebs that We Have Sex Too. And We’re Gonna Be as Vivid and Crass as Possible to Prove that We’re Actually Not Nerdroids from the Planet Virgin.” The climax (no pun intended … okay, I’m lying, pun definitely intended) of the Ivory Tower’s carnal carnival came (tee-hee) on Oct. 5 in the form of “Aurora’s Guide to Eating Out,” a how-to on the finer points of cunnilingus from The Dartmouth’s Aurora Wells ’10. And that’s when I knew there was one thing for me to do: start an Amherst sex column!
But here’s the rub (oh, the punnage!)—this is Amherst. Amherst College and sex really don’t mix unless there’s some social lubricant in the form of liquor. In addition, I being me, of course, do not have the authority to write about sex per se, being a former Northie and current Health and Wellness kid and all (I’m pretty sure that most of the condoms that went missing from our bathrooms’ cubbies became prophylactic balloon babies over the course of the year). Plus, not to go all “Subsidizing Sin” on ya’ll, but frankly, I think it’s a disgrace that such publications would stoop to Cosmo’s level. That, and sex is overrated (I think …).
When I’m looking to express my emotions, when I’m fixing to let off some steam, what I crave isn’t corporeal pleasures—what I want is a good high-five.High-fiving is one of the most intimate acts in which you can engage. It’s just you and your partner, joining hands in celebration and release. You want to make the moment memorable.
A good high-five is not easy to come by. It used to be really easy for me to get a good high-five. Then I arrived at Amherst and learned that not only are the people here inept at high-fiving, but they are also unwilling to talk about it. When I happen to bring up the subject, let’s say in Val, it’s never greeted with intellectual curiosity, but rather with turned heads and uncomfortable pauses. Let me tell you people, high-fiving is the most natural and beautiful thing in the world. It’s part of who we are as human beings. There is just no better way to express your connection with someone. A high-five is la petite mort.
Why is it such a difficult subject to discuss? You know everyone gives and receives high-fives, yet for some reason, it’s the most hush-hush subject since Xtina’s and J-Lo’s pregnancies. Because we don’t discuss it, we always wonder if we’re really being gratified. You walk about campus, looking around and wondering: “Are his high-fives worth it? Is she being satisfied by the high-fives she gets? Is there just something wrong with me?” The thing is, it’s not you. Everyone has those feelings, those insecurities, those desires for pleasurable high-fives that leave your hand tingling afterward.
Can’t a woman be honest about what she wants? Men don’t seem to have a problem with their high-fives. So here’s the truth—I want it hard, I want it fast and I want my hands to prickle following the deed. But I’m met with limp wrists, a lack of passion and, worst of all, awkward misses.
High-fiving takes practice. You need to learn how to be in sync with the other person. There’s nothing more embarrassing than when your fingers accidentally brush against the other’s palm, or when the thumb meets the pinky in an ill-coordinated motion. The moment’s over—you’ll never get it back again. All of the feelings you wanted to express in those two seconds of excitement dissipate and shame sets in. Uncomfortable questions run through your mind: “Was it my fault? Did I do it too soon? Did my partner not anticipate my manual needs? Is there anyway we can ever high-five again without screwing up? Will I ever regain the elation that sparked the original moment of pure union?”
Have no fear. We all have our bad high-fiving days. But if you’re still worried about your performance skills, I have a few tips: First, be aware of your partner. You’ve got to intuit his or her movements in order to coordinate the strike, so don’t just pay attention to your own motions. It takes two to tango.
Second, be enthusiastic, be joyful and be fiery with your high-fives! There is nothing worse than a partner who doesn’t respond to the sentiment. The point of the high-five is to share an instant of pure bliss. It is a bonding moment. Don’t leave your partner cold. A high-five is supposed to feel good, and the only way you’re going to please your partner is to be precise, quick and firm. You want the other’s hand to be warm, tingly and alive after a high-five, not disappointed by a novice’s substandard execution. High-fives are about giving as much as they are about receiving, and nothing is more satisfying than knowing your partner is satisfied.
So there you have it folks, my guide to the five-finger friend frenzy. Tune in soon for “Auntie Robyn’s Guide to How to Avoid Eye Contact with Your Crush” and “The Finer Points of Making Awkward Small Talk with that Shy Guy You Like Who is Really Cute and Subtly Funny, But Why Are You Even Trying Because You Guys Don’t Really Have a Lot in Common, and He Doesn’t Seem Like the Relationship Type Anyway, And You Really Have to Get a Move On Because If You Mention His Code Name One More Time to Your Friends, They’re Going to Stab You in the Face, and Maybe You Should Find Girlier Friends, Anyway, Because At Least They Can Give You Relationship Advice So You Can Make Mr. Oblivious Aware of Your Feelings.”
Robyn Bahr has been known to air- guitar to the Rascal Flatts in elevator of Johnson Chapel.