Oh, and I’m not pregnant.
Well, not yet, at least. See, I’ve got until Oct. 30, 2008 until I’m officially not a teenager anymore (the big 2-0, everybody. A quarter of my life is already out the door!) So if I really want to be cool, I’m just going to have to make myself a baby. Sounds like it’ll be kinda of fun, to tell you the truth.
Seriously, though, when did the pregnancy belly become the trendiest must-have since leopard-print tasers? There’s just no doubt in my mind that 2007 was the Year of the Baby. With the lighthearted “Oops … an embryo!” triumvirate of “Knocked Up,” “Juno” and “Waitress,” not to mention the “are they or aren’t they?” hoopla surrounding celebrities like Nicole Richie, Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Lopez, Nicole Kidman, Lily Allen and Britney Spears (dear God, I hope not), babies were definitely last year’s “It” accessory.
The scariest thing about all this is how pop culture has suddenly begun to fetishize teenage pregnancy in particular. Once an “issue” relegated to Lifetime’s Cautionary Tale Division (when movies like “Fifteen and Pregnant,” “Too Young to be a Dad” and “Mom at Sixteen,” were meant to scare kids away from becoming adolescent parents, unlike, say, “Juno,” which entices young girls with the chance of carrying Michael Cera’s child), teenage pregnancy is like, the raddest thing ever these days, even outside of reel life.
It all started a little over a year ago, when the then-16-year-old Oscar nominee Keisha Castle-Hughes (“Whale Rider”) announced that she was pregnant with the child of her then-19-year-old boyfriend (this news, of course, came right before her starring vehicle, “The Nativity Story,” opened in theaters—itself a dramatic representation of the Greatest Teenage Pregnancy Ever Told.) Castle-Hughes gave birth to a bouncing baby girl in April and is reported to be enjoying motherhood, despite the concerns of practically being a child herself.
Things then heated up in July when The National Enquirer reported that innocent little Jamie Lynn Spears was also pregnant herself. (Her reps vehemently denied this with the accompanying statement: “Ms. Spears is a devout Christian with a spotless reputation, who lives in accordance with the highest moral and ethical standards in accordance with her faith … It is pathetic for The National Enquirer to attempt to create a wholly baseless ‘rumor’ that Ms. Spears is pregnant, so it can run a malicious story and false story which would be emotionally devastating to a morally upright 16-year-old girl.” Yeah, we all know how that one turned out).
In September, America’s obsession with the ruined cherub continued with a badly-Photoshopped J-14 “confession” from “squeaky-clean” Disney juggernaut Miley Cyrus that she, too, was up the stick, but so far this one at least seems to be untrue (of course, looking at the Poor Man’s Britney, you never know). And then, as you all remember, the zeitgeist exploded when that one sold her story to OK! Magazine for a million cabbage.
Think this is just Hollywood going out of control? Think again. According to reports released in December, the birth rate among girls between the ages of 15 and 19 rose three percent in 2006—the first such increase since 1991. Is it because of Bush’s useless abstinence-only education programs? the increase in sexual activity rates amongst teenagers since 2001? the drops in condom usage since 2003? (What, people, are we not afraid of STDs anymore?) Or does it have something to do with the fact that on the eve of the 35th anniversary of the Roe v. Wade decision, it was announced that the U.S. abortion rate has fallen to a 30-year low? Pro-lifers would like to spin this news as proof that America’s attitude towards abortion is softening in the wake of new evidence supporting the fetus’ ability to feel and proof that campaigns for birth control and sex education are working, but I have a different idea.
Personally, I think the adolescents making up the percentage of those refusing abortions are doing so for much more honorable reasons: good old teenage rebellion. I mean, what’s going to piss off middle-class, ex-hippie second-waver parents more than their daughters’ denial of the right to an abortion? Plus, I can see how “abortion rhetoric” can become a little tiresome to teenagers striving to be as ultra anti-cliché as possible. What could be more attractive to them than to become a pro-lifer just for the irony? It’s just so fetch right now.
So, ladies, before you go picking out the latest fare at Baby Gap in your preparation to become the trendiest student on campus, just remember this: condoms are easier to change than diapers.
Robyn has already picked out her babies’ names. And Joshua Isaac, Lily Aurora, Max Rafael and Charlotte Odessa will be perfectly well-adjusted children, thank you very much.