Coming from a town where a calzone was nothing more than mozzarella and ricotta cheese pocketed in dough with some sauce on the side, I was quite shocked by the zany options that are readily available to residents of Amherst. As such, I was faced with a pressing question: Could I, a small-town boy, wade through this overwhelming mire of choices and find the best of the best? It has taken me quite some time, but I feel that I am now ready to offer insight to those less learned in the ways of the ’zone.

D.P. Dough will make you the highest quality calzone, with the highest quality ingredients. Unfortunately however, their offerings are small, expensive and accompanied by a tomato sauce that is weak at best. I find the “Combat Zone” (a blending of pepperoni, sausage, peppers, mushrooms and mozzarella) to be particularly delicious. The multitude of ingredients is perfectly spread throughout, ensuring a delicious bite, ripe with synergy every time.

Pinnochio’s makes good, filling calzones at a great price (if the proper deals are utilized) and they offer my favorite side sauce in the area. (It has just the right amount of flavor—mild enough that it doesn’t overpower the other ingredients, but potent enough to make the leftover crust enjoyable).

Yet I take big issue with Pinnochio’s ’zones.They lack a key ingredient: Love. Unlike D.P. Dough, Pinnochio’s calzones seem to be thrown together in a manner that can forgivingly be called “slapdash.” I have often ordered a calzone involving pepperoni, and wondered at first if they perhaps forgot to add any. This concern is quickly halted when I bite into a stack of it that is seven slices thick.

That being said, there are some calzones that Pinnochio’s makes, which no degree of lovelessness could ruin. Whoever first thought to put chicken alfredo in a calzone deserves a Presidential Medal of Freedom. It is this particular calzone alone that keeps me loyal to a restaurant that refuses to love me back. Their “BBQ King,” on the other hand, is a punishment to eat, the creator of which should be sentenced to dine exclusively on them for the rest of his or her days. The only good BBQ chicken calzone in the area can be found at Pioneer Valley Pizza, and it is in fact quite delectable.

Basically, you get what you pay for. If you want to spend a little more money and walk away a little hungry but very much loved, turn to D.P. Dough. If cash is tight and you don’t care about getting slapped around a little, then Pinnochio’s is your best bet. Lastly, if you simply must have a BBQ chicken calzone, give Pioneer Valley Pizza a try.