With the heterosexual male population at Amherst, most of the answers seem to fall between Ariel from “The Little Mermaid,” Jasmine from “Aladdin,” and Belle from “Beauty and the Beast.” Worthy choices, my friends, except that each of these three females are rather significantly flawed in their own unique ways. I mean, sure, I suppose they are all “hot” (cough *skanks* cough), but these three women just don’t cut the mustard in my book.
First, take a look at Ariel. A gorgeous redhead with an angelic singing voice and an inherent curiosity, who just happens to be a princess of an underwater kingdom. Perfect, right? Wrong. Yeah, she’s pretty smokin’ and all, but as a friend of mine recently pointed out, there’s got to be mad chafing behind that clam brazier. Most importantly, of course, I think you’re forgetting one crucial aspect of her anatomy, boys—she’s missing certain equipment, and unless you want to fertilize some roe, I suggest you look elsewhere for a girlfriend. What? She’s turned human by the end of the movie, you say? Well, that’s for certain. But don’t you think by that point she’s lost all of her intrigue and appeal? I say hells yes.
Now onto Jasmine. Yawn. See, she’s got the fashion sense, alright. That turquoise belly-baring ensemble really goes with those stunning kohl-rimmed eyes and thousand-pound gold earrings, but let’s just say there’s not so much going on beneath the surface. Okay, so she’s headstrong and kinda feisty, and I get why some guys (or girls) would go for her, but don’t you get the feeling she’s just this side of spoiled and possibly narcissistic? She just rubs me the wrong way.
By far the most popular choice of Disney dates among Amherstians has so far been Belle. No shock on this end—she’s the perfect blend of subtle brunette beauty, intellectuality and feminine independence. On paper she’s a dream, but am I the only one who has noticed just how irritating this French filly truly is? She’s self-righteous, stubborn and ungrateful to the poor Beast who, although appeared gruff at first, really just deserved her respect and kindness from the get-go, not her scorn and disdain. Couldn’t she have just refrained from going near the West Wing of the castle? And why did she have to be so stuck up when she first met Beasty anyway?
As for me, well, forget that dirty street urchin Aladdin; forget every one of those impossibly boring Prince Charmings. I’m smitten with the Beast, as you might have already been able to tell. And no, I don’t mean the Prince, who I think is a fugly fancy-pants version of Fabio. I don’t care if the Beast is vaguely non-human. Ever since I was a little girl, I have always preferred him to his foppish beefcake counterpart. With his sexy growl, Mr. Darcy-esque grouchiness and taciturn demeanor, there is just no other romantic Disney lead that has captured my heart quite like he has. I used to have a Ken doll of the Beast/Prince (you put a rubber mask over the Prince’s head to turn him into my dreamboat) and I do have very precise memories of mysteriously feeling the need to punish the doll when his Beast head was off. Unlike the women of the Facebook group, I would marry the beast for more than just his amazing library.
With the risk of coming across as a pedophile, I also have to admit that Peter Pan is another one of my Disney crushes. Or, at least, he was when I was still young enough to legally feel that way about him. Like most of the men I usually fall for, he is both a cute redhead and trapped in a state of arrested development. But now I think I’ve moved on to bigger and better prospects—3D Disney boyfriends. Over the summer, I kinda-sorta fell in love with “Ratatouille”’s hapless human hero, Linguini. I swooned at his desperation, his loser-ishness, his adorable physical features and overwhelming awkwardness. His kiss with ball-busting French chef Colette was the single-most thrilling, hilarious and discomfiting moment of my summer. Good times, good times.
So, one thing I have noticed with all of this “hotty” talk is that not one Amherst student has so far mentioned any member of the Classic Princess Triumvirate—Snow White, Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty. Guess those three are just a little too modest for our hip, “take it all off, baby!” crowd. As for me, I’m pretty partial to Sleeping Beauty, myself. I don’t know about you, but frankly, I like my women as silent and as unconscious as possible.
Robyn Bahr almost forgot to mention her mini-crush on “A Goofy Movie”’s Max, who is surprisingly hot for an anthropomorphic dog.