The first and perhaps the most heinous of these days is turkey day. Every few weeks, Valentine senselessly seeks to sate the hunger of a vast array of collegians with turkey, and turkey alone. Now I must admit they are clever about it; they don’t refer to the meals as “turkey … or … turkey.” No, their plan is far too devious for that. Instead, the traditional section boasts “Roast Turkey,” and the grill promises one a, “Hot Turkey Sandwich.” But, I have seen through your tangled web of deceit, O Purveyors of Farm Foul. I know that your “Hot Turkey Sandwich” is really just the turkey from next door, brilliantly camouflaged by the addition of a single piece of white bread.
Did you really think I wouldn’t notice? Did you not believe that I could figure out how to make my own sandwich if given meat alone? You have treated me like a fool, Valentine, and I will not stand for it.
I wish I could say that this dubious offering was the only one of its kind. However, Valentine tries on many occasions to pull the wool over our eyes so that they might perhaps take a breather. I, for one, have seen the same tray of ground beef make its way through three different meals, bearing an altered moniker each time. I have watched as Friday’s “chili” becomes Saturday’s “Sloppy Joe” becomes Sunday’s “burrito filling.”
Not all of Valentine’s attempts at subterfuge are as crafty as those above. Some of them are as transparently fraudulent as a spray-on tan. Ironically, it is the lighter side that is at fault here for applying fake grill marks to their chicken. These cosmetically enhanced filets have clearly never borne a flame as the black stripes rub right off. But these are no scratch-and-win lotto tickets—far from it in fact … they are supposed to be nourishment.