For many months, I wandered the Pioneer Valley, adrift... and hungry. While others had perfectly synced with the ebb and flow of Amherst cuisine, I seemed hopelessly out of step. The explanation was simple: I was a freshman, totally oblivious to the subtleties, the ins, the unspoken, unwritten rules. I was still ordering from Domino’s for chrissake. And though the sinister part of me wants to watch in pure sadistic joy as the new herd is culled, I will allow my munificent side to take the reigns. Behold: The Food Dude’s Secrets of Eating in Amherst.

1. Just because the slice isn’t visible, doesn’t mean it’s unavailable.

Antonio’s is the staple of the Amherst cuisine scene, and for good reason. The slices, nay masterpieces, put forth by the artisans of North Pleasant Street, are among the best in world. But what they won’t tell you is that just because one of their wondrous creations isn’t on display, that doesn’t mean you can’t get it. More often than not, the slice you’re looking for is hiding, filed away like some ancient tome, yearning to be pored over once more. So be sure to remember the names of your favorite slices, as when you can no longer point to “that tasty looking one there,” you may have to ask for a “Tortellini Red.”

2. Ask about discounts.

When ordering delivery, always, always, always end your order with “and are there any deals you guys are doing?” Believe it or not, the person taking your order probably doesn’t get a share in the boss’s profit, and isn’t too happy about it. As such, they’re downright eager to inform you that you qualify for the “$1 off all orders involving mayonnaise between 6:30 and 7:15 on Tuesday special.” OK, so the savings are rarely that random, but you get the idea. Utilizing the proper coupons/specials is the key to eating like your parents are still footing the bill. All you need to do is ask.

3. Different Schwemm’s Chef = Different Schwemm’s Food

While all men may very well be created equal (as Professor Arkes will bludgeon into you), something clearly happens along the way that turns some of them into Philly cheese steak whizzes and others into masters of the sausage egg and cheese. The first few times you eat at Schwemm’s, pay careful attention to who makes what well. All their food is passable, even tasty. But, when a chef really hits their stride with a dish, the result is unparalleled. Unfortunately, I know these heroes of the grill only by the nicknames I have given them, so in truth, this is a secret you must uncover yourself. I have shown you the way, but only you can walk this path to culinary enlightenment.

4. There is more to Wings than meets the eye.

You will quickly find that Wings is a fantastic source of well…wings. However, something I only managed to learn by rooming with a native Northamptoner is that they are also a source of cheap wings. From 4 to 6 p.m. on Mondays, Wings offers all-you-can-eat Honey BBQ and Buffalo flavored boneless wings for a measly $6. But that’s not all! When I ventured there on one fateful Monday evening, I made a sensational discovery. Wings also offers phenomenal burgers, most notably the Red Baron (bacon, sautéed onions and a fried egg). This delicacy isn’t available for delivery, at least as of last semester, but it is certainly worth making the trip.

5. River Shark Café.

Just typing those words on my computer sends my salivary glands into a frenzy. The restaurant is not only Amherst’s best kept secret, but Amherst’s finest eatery. I do not have the space to expound upon the virtues of this glorious establishment, so let me say only this: it’s more than worth the trip. They don’t deliver, and the trek isn’t exactly walking distance, but the food is so ri-god-damn-diculously good that you need to make the pilgrimage in whatever way possible. Fashion a makeshift zeppelin if you must, just get yourself there and make sure you’re hungry.

Of course, I can’t give away all of my secrets. Not yet, anyway…