Bueno y Sano is proof that restaurant licenses are far too easy to obtain. When I was walking through downtown Amherst a little while ago and an out-of-towner asked me for directions to this devilish establishment, it was the most morally conflicted I’ve felt since taking Normative Ethics with Professor Shah. I was unsure if I could direct these hapless tourists to their bland fates in good conscience, or if I was obligated by my personal integrity to send them elsewhere. A friend of mine stepped up to answer before I was forced to betray everything that I stand for, but I couldn’t help but feel complicit. I will remain silent no longer; it is time for Bueno’s day of reckoning.

Venturing to this burrito wasteland is a fool’s errand. The first, and last, time I ever made the mistake of eating there was the closest I’ve come to demanding a refund from a restaurant. Despite the ancient proverb, “Hunger is the best sauce,” my level of starvation could not salvage the tortilla-wrapped debacle these scoundrels placed before me. It was small, I paid a lot for it and it was terrible. The friend I was dining with ordered a chicken quesadilla, and it took so long to prepare that, despite the fact that they FORGOT TO ADD THE CHICKEN, he decided that it was better to just eat it rather than risk graduating before they could make him another.

Their salsa, if it can be so called, is an embarrassment. The watery concoction, which looks like more of a marinade than a true salsa, is weak in flavor and completely lacking in the texture department. It was the perfect compliment to the stale chips, creating a side dish that somehow made me look forward to my next bite of burrito. I wish that I could comment on their guacamole, but ordering some would have turned an already overpriced meal into a veritable monetary sinkhole.

“Malo” y Sano’s burritos are less lovingly made than carnival prizes, and they certainly didn’t make me feel like a winner. All of the beans in the cocoon of doom were tucked away at the bottom, only available to me for a single excruciating bite. The same could be said of the other accoutrements. It was as though a gang war had broken out inside of a tortilla. No grain of rice was found in enemy territory. Sour cream and cheese had carved out distinct spheres of influence and blatantly refused to cooperate. My experience at this reprehensible restaurant served only to further my loyalty to the River Shark Café. The Café’s half burrito is comparable in size to Bueno’s full offering, is far less expensive and is made with tender care.

All that being said, I have heard tales of a mu shu burrito, dubbed the East/West, which is available only at Bueno y Sano’s sister location in Northampton. According to a very reliable source, this burrito is delicious enough that a trip to Noho is more than justified. I have enjoyed many a mu shu pancake wrap in my day, and it’s not hard to imagine a burrito taking up that mantle. Though I have my doubts that the same people who have committed the salsa holocaust could do justice to plum sauce, I am told that they have perfected the art.