Alfredo sauce, in its creamy, buttery, cheesy goodness, is an absolute culinary indulgence. Only by being so damn tasty could Alfredo sauce justify its phenomenal unhealthiness. There is nothing quite like eating a meal that you know is shortening your life, but deciding that it’s worth the trade-off. However, as wonderful as properly executed Alfredo can be, the other end of the Alfredo spectrum is home to some of the worst overall eating experiences available to mortal men. Valentine Dining Hall’s chicken Tetrazini is such an experience.

I ventured to Val on that fateful day, knowing that it was my journalistic duty to tap into the mysteries of Val’s latest creation, no matter how revolting it may be. As I walked into the serving area, I watched in horror as waves of eager eaters had their optimism turned upside down at the sight of the chicken Tetrazini. At least a dozen students walked up to examine this ground-breaking offering and immediately turned away in disgust, realizing that they would need to find sustenance elsewhere. They are luckier men than I.

I approached the service counter and sheepishly pointed to the greasy mass of pasta, unable to bring myself to ask for it by name. With the first bite, all of my fears, doubts and nauseating ruminations were instantly proven true. Only commitment to my craft could coax me to take another bite, but I knew it was time to tap out as the second slimy sampling slid down my throat and sat like a rock in my stomach. Val’s chicken Tetrazini erred at every turn. The sauce was grainy, greasy, and practically flavorless. It is difficult to find something more offensive to one’s taste buds than a grainy cheese sauce, but Val didn’t stop there. The pasta was a travesty. It was so soggy that it was more like paste than pasta. The grilled chicken and mushrooms were equally unappealing, making the dish as a whole one of the worst things that Val has ever tried to pass off as lunch. I admire Val’s courage for taking on such a difficult task, but this is an experiment that need not be repeated to confirm the results.

If you want Alfredo done right, there are two positively premium options available in Amherst. First is Bertucci’s Baked Tortellini Chicken Gratinati. This dish features tortellini in a chicken Alfredo sauce, accented by a few plum tomatoes and baked under a sprinkling of mozzarella cheese. I have said it before, and I’ll say it at least one more time: baking tortellini is the only way to unlock its true power. Building from there, the rest of the ingredients do justice to the strength of the dish’s tortellini foundation. The sauce has an excellent consistency, and the multitude of mildly burnt flavors meld together perfectly. The chicken has just the right texture to compliment the soft tortellini, making this a dish worth savoring. But what I truly love about Bertucci’s gratinati is the plum tomatoes. Sparsely scattered throughout, they serve as a pleasantly sweet interruption to the salty, creamy flavors, the sheer decadence of which can actually become monotonous.

Unfortunately, I cannot afford this indulgence very frequently for both health and monetary reasons. But while health concerns could not possibly be addressed without reducing the quality the dish, I have devised a method by which the cost can be cut nearly in half. This “poor man’s gratinati” is the second premium Alfredo offering of the Pioneer Valley. Simply order a chicken Alfredo calzone from Pinocchio’s and ask for tortellini instead of broccoli. The concept is essentially the same: baked tortellini, chicken, Alfredo sauce, and mozzarella cheese. Only now, you can eat the plate. I wish I could say that this more economical feast was available for the $6 the way it was when I first conceived of it, but Pinocchio’s “buy two get one free” deal has gone the way of the dinosaurs, disco, and all other decently priced delicacies.