1. Antonio’s: Pizza by the Pie
If there was a worldwide colloquium on college-town cuisine, Antonio’s would undoubtedly be Amherst’s representative. But as beloved as this treasure trove of tastiness may be, it is just as misunderstood. I too have erred, frittering away my hard-earned summer salary, unaware that the very same happiness was available at a major discount. Now that I am older and wiser, I have learned that by ordering whole pies instead of slices, I can cut my costs nearly in half, as an otherwise $3.25 chicken bacon ranch slice costs a mere $2.10 if purchased as part of a whole pie. If you are worrying that ordering whole pies from Antonio’s will preclude you from enjoying a variety-packed meal, then fear not, as half/half pies are actually the same price as their uniformly adorned brethren. Besides, there’s nothing quite like knowing that the finest pizza-makers in all the land have painstakingly crafted one of their tastiest offerings … just for you.
2. Targeted Savings
Target might not have the most impressive selection of food and snacks, but it’s definitely the cheapest. You might think that a supermarket, or even Walmart, would be the place to go for cheap snacks, but you’d be sadly mistaken. In truth, the savings are usually negligible (maybe 20 cents or less per item), but when you’re buying Bowl Appétits by the baker’s dozen, a few cents here and there starts to add up. Even if Bowls aren’t your bag, I still recommend taking a trip down the pre-packaged dinner aisle at least once to see if something strikes your fancy. Target’s normally scrawny selection blossoms quite impressively in this area, and I defy you to go home unsatisfied, or at least not a bit curious. Truly the one-stop shop for microwavable fare, Target also has the cheapest pizza rolls I’ve ever seen, available for pennies a piece if bought in bulk.
3. Valentine Works for Us
Brace yourselves, as the secret I am about to unveil is so shocking, so earth-shattering, that the faint of heart ought to stop reading this very moment: Valentine Dining Hall is independent of Amherst College. Ok, so maybe this isn’t as surprising as pizza by the pie being cheaper than pizza by the slice, but let me assure you that the implications are even more vast and profound. Valentine Dining Hall being a separate, “self-operated” module in the Amherst system means one very important thing: they work for us, and their success depends on our satisfaction. We can cast off the oppressive yoke of “school lunches,” and realize that they are competing in our capitalist society as much as Pinnochio’s or the Black Sheep. So if you’re not happy with the way Val is conducting business, do your duty as a consumer and let them know! Remember, they’re not feeding us as a favor, they’re doing it for the bottom line. It’s up to us to make sure our happiness isn’t left out of the calculation.
4. Mom’s House
The only restaurant in the history of culinary society that is open less frequently than Val is the take-out portion of Mom’s House. Oddly enough, it actually mimics Val’s dinner hours, giving parsimonious diners only a three and a half hour window to get their fill. It’s truly unfortunate that this delicious and inexpensive food isn’t available around the clock, but Mom’s House is more than just take-out. In fact, the establishment is primarily an importer of eastern delicacies, most notably pocky sticks. As such, their afterthought of a kitchen remained hidden to me for many years, but you need not share my fate. Ramen aficionados should also take note that Mom’s house has an unbelievably wild selection that makes Burning Man look like the Third Reich.
5. No Breakfast, No Problem
Every semester, Valentine gives us the option to forego breakfast in lieu of a fat Benjamin’s worth of AC Dollars. What they bury in the fine print however (by which I mean a large table on the back), is that you can still purchase breakfast at Val, for a measly three bucks. So unless you eat breakfast at Val 34 times or more per semester, you’re coming out ahead. Morning people need not worry, as they can get bagels and all the rest on the cheap at Schwemm’s with their AC fortunes. The fact is, anyone who’s not sitting down to 34 large morning meals every four months should take this deal. As a bonus for those who are bad at rationing, your excess AC dollars can be used to buy out the store at Schwemm’s come May or December. I have personally returned home with a veritable bevy of chips and salsa at each semester’s close.