Now I realize that this new restaurant is in fact only half Taco Bell and half KFC, but to be frank I couldn’t care less about the Colonel. KFC is just greasy, over-breaded, massively over-salted “chicken” that is accompanied by a who’s who of wholly unappetizing side dishes. Though I will be frequenting this establishment many times in the coming months, I assure you that the words “original recipe” will never escape my lips. It is unfortunate that the virginal purity of Taco Bell must be marred by Colonel Sanders and his grease buckets. If you think that I’m overreacting and that having a KFC on location is merely an added bonus, then consider this: Once when I was asked if I wanted any sauce to go with my order that was comprised entirely of Taco Bell, I said, “yes, hot,” indicating that I desired the “hot” variety of border sauce (as opposed to “mild” or “fire”). Instead, I received several packets of the “Colonel’s Special Hot Sauce.” I didn’t discover the sinister salsa switch until I had left the drive-thru and started eating, making me one very unhappy dude with a BBQ-ified quesadilla.
When they aren’t handing out condemnable condiments, Taco Bell makes some of the most enjoyable food on the planet. The ingredients are complete crap, yet the amalgamations thereof are always fantastic and often surprisingly innovative. Somehow, Taco Bell’s research and development team takes the infinitely played out permutations of meat, cheese, tortilla, sour cream, lettuce and tomato and invents brand new and totally delicious culinary concoctions.
Sadly, my old favorite, the Grande Soft Taco (a soft taco wrapped in another soft taco shell with cheese sauce in between … brilliant), is no longer among their elite offerings. A creation of Taco Bell’s that will never die is the Crunchwrap Supreme. Truly the pinnacle of epicurean evolution, the Crunchwrap Supreme is the most sophisticated and delicious fast-food product on the market. Not only does it contain a wonderfully synergistic blend of elements from the entire food pyramid, but they are all grilled together in one portable, edible pouch. For those who aren’t in the know, the Crunchwrap Supreme is essentially a hard taco with the works wrapped in a huge soft taco shell and grilled. It is crunchy, cheesy, chewy, creamy, beefy and oh-so-warm and melty. I really can’t say enough good things about the Crunchwrap, which can be purchased for a meager $2.09. Though it isn’t really enough for a meal on its own, two of these bad boys can take all 6’5” of me from starving to stuffed. Taco Bell stands alone as the only place where I can eradicate truly painful hunger while only breaking a five-spot.
The Crunchwrap Supreme is so good that it’s hard to justify ordering anything else. But if you just can’t be satisfied without a little variety in your meal, then give Taco Bell’s quesadillas a try. Though they are by far the simplest quesadillas ever constructed, these scrumptious semi-circles are profound in flavor. The burnt aroma of the tortilla combined with the savory chicken and cheese goes perfectly with some spicy border sauce. I am also a fan of their Cheesy Gordita Crunch. Despite the fact that I’m pretty sure its name could be translated as cheesy “little fat girl” crunch, this concoction is pretty delicious. Much more of a textural experience than a flavorful one, the Gordita is all about the juxtaposition of chewy and crunchy. I personally find the combination to be a smashing success that is actually fun to munch on. The flavors they have chosen to showcase along with it are indeed worthy of the role, with sour cream as the surprisingly satisfying star performer.
So rejoice, my fellow Jeffs, Taco Bell has come a-courting. It may have brought its annoying friend KFC, but the Colonel need not impinge on our southwestern satiety.