I have never been a religious man. In fact, I often mocked the zealous for their apparent disavowal of the scientific “truths” I had come to embrace. But now I see a different truth, a truth no other proselytizer has ever offered; no missionary, youth leader, or even shaman has the conversionary power of this light that shines out of a great darkness, a darkness with no cereal. Yea, were it not for Valentine’s budget cuts, I could ne’er have come to see and to know the truths of this new religion, Fududism (pronounced foo-doo-dism) be its name. The tenets of Fududism are simple: we were put here for the purpose of enjoying epicurean delights, and the fulfillment of that purpose is the path to enlightenment and eternal satiety in the afterlife.

Is there any doubt that Fudu, the God of Fududism, wants us to be happy? To the non-believers, I, like many of my monkey ancestors (Fududists are down with evolution, so long as it results in more deliciousness), point to the banana. Bananas have one of the best flavors in the world, and in His infinite wisdom and desire for His subjects’ happiness, Fudu has made enjoyment of them a breeze. Not only do they come with a protective layer, but it actually changes color to tell you when eating conditions are ideal. I mean … come on! And when your banana is at the perfect ripeness, removing the protective coating is as easy as unzipping a jacket, all thanks to Fudu’s ingenuity.

Not all of Fudu’s handiwork is as apparent as the banana, but His influence is vast indeed. I have little doubt that He alone is responsible for the flavor of burnt meat. Charred flesh tastes so ridiculously good because Fudu knows that raw meat can be dangerous to his fragile creations. I’m sure you are asking “But then why does junk food taste so good if it’s so bad for us?” To this I have a simple retort: “Are Fritos a naturally occurring phenomenon?” No. Fudu did not put Fritos here for our enjoyment; man has concocted them to his own evil ends. For Fudu’s only desire is that we be happy, and he rewards the happiest of his subjects with even greater happiness in the afterlife, and wisdom on earth.

Only when our stomachs are full are we truly free to better ourselves and our world, for starvation is a malevolent and powerful force that drives men mad. But mere visceral satiety is not enough to quell the hunger that keeps us from achieving enlightenment. We must be satisfied in both quantity and quality if we are to live as Fudu demands. Fudu knows that anyone can fill their stomach on bland energy and survive for another day, but only the gourmand truly lives. To merely survive is an insult to your creator, so make Him proud and enjoy your gustatory life.

Unfortunately, the rigid meal plan here at Amherst College is an affront to the beliefs of orthodox Fududists. The strictest of the sect believe that every meal must be treated as though it is your last, and that only that which you truly crave is worthy of consumption. As such, I will soon be campaigning for all practicing Fududists to be taken off of the meal plan, citing religious differences. If, like me, you believe that true enlightenment is only attainable after true satiety, and that our creator put us here to enjoy His more delicious creations, then I urge you to take up the cause.