Yet it was not always this way. In my naïve days, I supplicated myself not beneath a crown, but a clown. Yes, regrettably there was a time in my life when I too suckled on the McDonald’s teat. I can still picture the day at my local mall food court when I took my last bite ever of one of Mickey D’s abominable creations. I can’t explain why it happened, all I know is that something inside of my eight-year-old brain suddenly clicked, and I realized that what I had enjoyed eating for years was actually complete crap., There are few foods that I find more offensive to the pallet than a mushy, bland, burger patty, only juicy with grease, from America’s favorite chain. Honestly, McDonald’s meat is utterly repulsive. As for the fries, which golden-arch fanboys will point to as the saving grace of the establishment, I find them equally unappealing. More often than not, their fried spuds are still soggy with the fermented grease of the vat, resulting in disastrous texture and flavor. My foolish days, halcyon though they may have been, are clearly over, and you will never find this dude in Ronald’s house ever again.
Wendy’s, on the other hand, will always be a slice in my fast-food consumption pie chart. Since the dawn of their “fresh never frozen” campaign, and arguably even before that, Wendy’s has put forth the best burger in the biz. Even the king’s flame-broiled offerings stand in a clear second place. Wendy’s also has the highest quality burger toppings, and I love their subtle use of mustard. My only complaint about Wendy’s classic burgers is that they need just one more leaf of lettuce. A single sheet of roughage just doesn’t cut it crunch-wise, especially in a drive-thru situation when the threat of sogginess is so substantial. Wendy’s will also never monopolize my business until they make some drastic improvements to the flavor of their fries. The major problem is the thickness of the sticks, which lets the starchiness of the innards overpower the salty greasiness that normally makes fries so god-damned delicious. Without a stellar side accompaniment, even a spectacular burger will lose a lot of its magic.
Though their burgers are undeniably a notch below Wendy’s, Burger King asserts itself as the premiere fast-food chain by having the best burger/fry combo. Since their renaissance in the late 90s, BK’s fries have been peerless. Crispy, perfectly flavored, and ideally thin, there is nothing bad that can be said about the king’s fried potatoes. Pairing these robust rods with a burger that, despite its silver medal finish, still makes McDonald’s offerings look like steamed spam, results in a truly wonderful meal. Indeed, Burger King does right by its moniker, imbuing the all-important flavor of flame into every scrumptious bite. BK’s burgers also give Wendy’s a run for its money in the toppings department, with perennially crunchy shredded lettuce, liberal use of mayonnaise and flavorful cheese. Far too often does one lose the subtle hint of American cheese in the chaos of catsup and pickles, but such flavor loss is indeed a rarity under the watchful eye of the Burger King.
It is truly a pity that Wendy’s cannot put forth better fries, but despair not my fellow Jeffs, for this is America. And in America, capitalism has blessed us with ubiquitously proximal fast-food joints of all varieties. As such, it is an easy task indeed to drive up Route 9 and grab a juicy burger from Wendy’s, some spectacular fries from Burger King and a pleasant sense of superiority from bypassing the pitiful McDonald’s on the way back to campus.