So it’s come to this: the Food Dude’s final article. In honor of my departure from this valley of plenty, I’d like to take a moment to remember some of its unique cuisine. For the Food Dude, graduating means more than saying goodbye to friends and being thrust out into an ever-intensifying rat race. It also means saying goodbye to the food I have grown to love. So farewell, Wings! Farewell, Antonio’s! And farewell, River Shark Cafe! You were all far too good to me.

Though “Wings Over” is a franchise establishment, its majestic splendor soars not o’er the isle of Manhattan. Hence, the Flatiron-bound Food Dude will have his wings clipped come May 24th. I will miss their chicken immensely, but what saddens me most is the thought of never dining on a Red Baron Burger again. When I first saw this patriarch of patties, this sultan of sandwiches, on the Wings menu, my only thought was, “Have they been reading my dream journal?” Topped with bacon, sautéed onions, American cheese and the coup de grace, a fried egg, the Red Baron is food fantasy incarnate. Fortunately, the chef’s execution of this intricate burger does justice to its potential, making it one of the most delicious culinary experiences available to mortal men.

Antonio’s is also not truly a unique Pioneer Valley treasure, but its sister location in Providence may as well be in Prague as far as this dude’s future dining is concerned. And even though Manhattan is home to the greatest pizza in the world, I have never met a New Yorker smart enough, nay bold enough, to put tortellini on pizza. Tortellini, the misunderstood offspring of gnocchi and ravioli, has never been put to better use than on an Antonio’s pie. Baking tortellini unleashes its awesome power and combining it with BBQ chicken or pesto sauce transforms a slice of pizza into a slice of heaven. I can only hope that in my travels I will once again find someone with the culinary genius and testicular fortitude necessary to construct a tortellini pizza, but I fear that Antonio’s will be the Alpha and the Omega of this transcendentalicious concoction.

Wings and Antonio’s have their place, but the truly one-of-a-kind gem of the Pioneer Valley is the River Shark Cafe. I realize that I have lauded these magnificent bastards more than a few times, but they deserve every word of my praise and every dollar of my food budget. There will always be wings and pizza, but there will never be another River Shark. As a wordsmith, I am well aware that something cannot literally be “more unique” than something else, but the River Shark’s uniqueness is really something special. From the preposterously varied menu, which includes fish tacos, Reuben sandwiches, and chicken bacon ranch calzones with smoked gouda cheese, to the Marco/Polo style service, dining at this fantastic eatery is an experience unlike any other, an experience that I will soon have for the last time.

As sad as I am to depart from this bountiful valley, I have to smile when I look back on my tasty tenure here at Amherst. I learned a lot about food and a lot about myself, and I hope that my legacy of culinary passion will not fade as quickly as my time here has passed. If I could leave you Jeffs with just one piece of advice, let it be this: “Enjoy your food!” Every meal you eat is one less meal you get before shuffling off this mortal coil, so never waste a gustatory experience on mere nutrition. Food is our fuel, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna fill up with “regular.” Premium or bust! Fudu be praised, ramen.