Louisville, Ky. I don’t know why you’d ask that. The picture says it all.

What’s your favorite thing about your hometown?

It’s the home of Nicole Scherzinger!!! You know, the Pussycat Doll. Also the fact that I can go to KFC at Hampshire Mall and call it my “ethnic” dinner because Louisville is the home of KFC (and Colonel Sanders). Now, if we could only get Peter Tang…

What dorm are you the RC of?

Porter dormitory, the German and Russian House. Imagine presiding over (and participating in) a perpetual, drunken Fight Club, and you get the idea.

What’s something the average Amherst student doesn’t know about Porter?

That it’s the German and Russian House. Also, the dorm emits a call on Wednesday nights that can only be heard by seniors on the bar crawl with extremely full bladders. Though it attracts them to the dorm, it doesn’t necessarily induce them to relieve themselves in the toilet. And we have an unusual preponderance for false fire alarms.

What’s the worst part about being an RC?

When those same seniors miss the toilet.

What’s your secret to being a great RC?

By hanging my own pictures of Amherst squirrels and hilarious bar jokes on my residents’ doors, I believe I established myself as clinically insane and therefore prevented any challenges to my dominance, though I periodically urinate outside my residents’ doors, just to be safe.

What’s the best part about being an RC?

Eating the candy from the candy & condom bowl, NOT to be confused with eating the condoms from the candy & condom bowl (even the mint ones).

Is what they say about marching band camp true?

Yes. It’s hot as hell, in every sense of the phrase.

Which instrument do you play?

I play the trombone: I don’t know why I started it, but I love the endless supply of crude jokes it supplies and the fact that it’s hardly ever used in songs. Oh, and of course because it’s a chick magnet.

What’s something that most people don’t know about you?

Me and roller coasters: I tend to scream obscenities very loudly. One time my neighbor pointed out that there was an eight-year-old girl in front of us and that I should be more considerate. The eight-year-old then politely turned around and asked me to stop being such a “kitty cat.”

Also, I was in a ska band called the Shedabblers. Clearly the name was the reason we never made it big — “Bicycle Song” would have been an instant classic.

Any other embarrassing moments?

Don’t ask. My top one would be when I was Tina Turner in eighth grade and sang “Rolling on the River” for a music video project. I did not know at the time that my blue sequin dress would not zip all of the way up in the back…

What’s the best part about mock trial?

The fact that I played a complete dork who cracked his voice and obsessed about “Star Wars.” That is, I got to be myself. Oh, and “mocking” out, of course. Though it tends to create mock drama which, surprisingly, is worse than marching band drama.

What’s your most triumphant moment?

Our high school’s French Scrabble team’s victory in the state tournament. Who said Kentucky was uncultured? The only other team was pissed, too.

Who are your look-alikes?

Harry Potter and Stephen Colbert. Though of course I would be James Potter because I don’t have Lily’s green eyes. This means I have to marry a girl with red hair and green eyes to complete the prophecy. Any takers? Also, I was nicknamed “toupée” by several kids in fifth grade who would later have long careers in juvenile hall. I still don’t know why…

What convinced you to come to Amherst?

The food. I failed to find another school that shared my undying passion for chicken sandwiches, scrod and recycling the same jokes and complaints about them.

What’s your favorite TV show?

“Seinfeld,” of course. It’s the lens through which I see the world. Also “Arrested Development” with Franklin the puppet’s message of tolerance — I wish I could give Uncle T. Bag a hug for real.

What’s one thing you would change about your last two years at Amherst?

I would have my ID photo changed to put a stop to the rumors that I’m a pedophile (along with a significant portion of the Amherst College photos, judging by the campus directory). I’d replace it with this article’s picture, but it would just make me a pedophile that means business. Also I’d abolish executive offices and have Peter Tang installed as permanent dictator.

Any hidden talents?

I’m psychic. No, seriously. I see you right now using this interview as fuel for your springtime barbeque. Lucky for you, I’m hot, so that meat’s going to taste excellent.

— Jorge Alvarado ’12