Communist China. Represent, yo.

How tall are you?

5’7”

No, really, how tall are you?

5’11”, give or take a foot.

Anyway, what is your favorite class that you have taken at Amherst? Least favorite?

I really enjoyed taking Logic with Professor George ... not because it’s a great class (although it is pretty cool), but because Professor George is so fine, you know ... I love those salmon-colored pants. Although I must say, Professor Sarat is quite a silver fox himself. Least favorite would be my French film class — I guess I went into it with unrealistically high expectations ... French films, you’d expect lots of prostitutes ... but there were hardly any.

You are a philosophy and economics double major. What do you like about philosophy? What do you like about economics?

I never said I liked either. I like British television and prostitutes. Prostitutes in general, not just British ones. Although those are great too. And glow-in-the-dark silly putty.

What is your philosophy on life?

The world actually does revolve around me.

You are in mock trial. What is it like being part of that? What did you play this year?

It’s pretty cool. Unfortunately, people there are fond of capslock, of which I am not a fan. I don’t really understand the point of capslock, BUT ANYWAYS ... I pretended to be a bad lawyer this year. You know, not knowing the case and forgetting who my witness is. Not to brag, but I was really good at doing both.

You also dance in ballroom competitions. What do you like about ballroom?

I really like the slutty costumes everyone wears at competitions. Seriously, man, the girls wear shiny bra cups and “skirts” that are really just very wide belts. And they’re always orange from their spray-on tan. The guys wear skin tight shirts with slits down to their navels, and are covered in shiny oily stuff. YUM.

You are studying abroad for the whole year next year in Oxford. What are you looking forward to in Oxford?

The hot British boys with their hot British accents and their hot British eight-packs. I mean, classes.

What is your life ambition you intend to pursue after Amherst?

To become a housewife. Or a prostitute. Or both. At the same time. Or if that doesn’t work out (although I see no reason why not, I firmly believe that an Amherst education prepares me well for both), maybe a truck driver. One of those cement trucks. With the rotating cement mixer.

What is your hobby?

Chopping wood, frying bacon and being condescending toward vegetarians, people who care about the environment, capslockers, you know ... manly things in general. Because I’m so manly.

If you had to describe yourself in one word, what would it be?

Awesome.

What is your favorite food at Val?

I just love their day-old mush. It’s not hard to find — available at every station, all the time.

If I looked in your iPod, what would be the most embarrassing song I would find?

Oh man, they’re all pretty embarrassing. That’s why I tell people I don’t have an iPod when they ask to see it. I guess I do have an unusually large collection of bad country music — I guess that’s redundant.

Tell me a joke.

Women’s rights.

If you had to be an inanimate object, what would you be?

A prostitute.