Cuisine with Claire; Freshman Fifteen: The Fat List
By Claire Jen '10, Staff Writer
Some of you may have figured out quickly, three butterscotch blondies later, that the unlimited meal plan is like picking a scab or going to sleep without brushing your teeth —you really shouldn’t, but okay, just one more time couldn’t possibly be that bad .... Others, like my friend Dan Gonzalez ’10, worked tirelessly to fill his bottomless pit of a stomach (he reportedly spent over $500 at Bruno’s first semester freshman year). This article is dedicated to that freshman 15 — hate it or love it, it happens to the best of us.

The Fat List

5. KFC: Added to the menu just this month, only one word can describe the KFC Double Down: gluttony. There is no bread in this incredible feat of culinary trial-and-error; rather than have a bun, why not just encase two slices of cheese, two slices of bacon and some “special sauce” in two pieces of fried chicken? An alleged 540 calories, this monster has 32 grams of fat and 1,380 milligrams of sodium. I have yet to hear of anyone enjoying the Double Down. In fact, I have yet to hear of anyone trying the Double Down for any other reason besides the glory of conquering the beast (the cashier at KFC agrees with me). If you’re looking to pack on the poundage, this sandwich is for you.

4. Bub’s BBQ: (Reviewed earlier in the semester) One of the most quality ways of gaining the F-15, Bub’s home-style, delicious BBQ menu items are fully flavored and generously portioned. The place makes it onto the list of gluttony not because of its meats, but because of its UNLIMITED SIDES BUFFET. Think potato salad, baked beans, cottage cheese and other country-style fixings —all you can eat. If you lack self-control and make the mistake of stepping into the welcoming restaurant (or sit outside in their large picnic area), your stomach may never be the same again.

3. Mom’s House: Just a short walk down Route 9 from the police station lies the cheapest, most delicious Chinese take-out known to the Pioneer Valley. The take-out meal options are located inside, right next to a fully stocked Chinese grocery store. As long as you make it to the place before it closes (at an all-together too early time of 7 or 7:30 p.m.), you can get a massive meal (fried rice, lo mein or thinner rice noodles [my personal favorite] and two entrees) for less than seven bucks or 10 homemade dumplings (better than any other dumplings in the Valley, in my humble opinion) for less than five bucks. Take-out only, (but within walking distance if you are desperate) the place is usually full of repeat customers, ready to stuff their faces.

2. WINGS: Getting the weekly wing schedule just right (price and quantity) is nearly an art form. If you’re a wing purist (i.e. price is no object ever) the boneless wings at The Hangar are probably the best. If your appetite is contingent on how many wings you can afford, however, here is a rough schedule for wing-eating in Amherst. Mondays and Tuesdays from 4-6, all-you-can-eat wings at The Hangar ($6). The Hangar is also frequented by UMass and known to be the best wings in the Valley, so get there early to avoid a wait during these two coveted hours. Buffalo Wild Wings (right next to Target) has 40 cent wings (not boneless) on Tuesdays and 60 cent boneless wings on Thursdays. Covered with flat screen TVs displaying sports games or trivia, the atmosphere is fun and inviting, and their wings specials last all day. Finally, Arizona Pizza Company offers 25 cent wings every Sunday too.

1. Bruno’s Take-Out: If you’ve ever seen the size of a party pizza or ordered a baked ziti, you know why Bruno’s tops the fat list at number one. Any entrée would last the normal individual at least a dinner and midnight snack, that’s just how generously portioned they are. Delivery is quick, friendly and available super late; they cater to every food craving you could ever have. My personal vices are the baked ziti with chicken (because it’s enormous, and they are never stingy with their mozzarella and ricotta) and the meat lover’s calzone. Bruno’s also happens to be a wonderful supporter of Amherst College events, a pleasure to work with and very accommodating. They top the list in taste, and in service, so don’t forget to program their number into your speed dial.

Issue 24, Submitted 2010-04-29 21:14:35