My neighbor's boyfriend has been visiting her a lot lately, and their evening encounters have become so raucous that it's become a serious problem. Do I openly confront her about her noisy recreation or keep my mouth shut? Isn't it silly for her sexual endeavors to affect my academics? If I talk to her, I would die of embarrassment! What shoud I do?

-Sexiled in Stone

Dear Sexiled,

Your concern is duly warranted-cohabitation and premarital sex go against the Puritanical morale of the College. Take her to the Dean so she can be severely disciplined for her immoral actions. If you'd rather avoid conflict, a discrete, polite note to the rowdy hallmate should alleviate the matter. But I strongly advise you to discuss it with her, preferably during the daylight hours and not in the presence of the aforementioned boyfriend. Otherwise I'm afraid you'll have to spend your evenings in the library to save your grades.