I have a confession to make. I have a crush. An intellectual crush. Not on my professor or on the dude next door, but on you. You are the one for me, Billy boy Doc Tyler. My question is: when's our first date?

-Horny in Hamilton

Dear Horny,

You seem to be experiencing what Freud described as transference, which happens when a client feels romantic emotions for his or her therapist. You are obviously captivated by my prosody and wit (I don't blame you, trust me). Actually, in my stallion days, I was known to have my way with one or two of the ladies, if you know what I mean-the French even have a word for that. So don't blame yourself for what you're feeling. I did, in fact, have the same sorts of feelings for Jane Austen after I read "Pride and Prejudice." After a long love affair with her, however, I realized that she had been dead for years. Unfortunately, so have I.