Your responses to relationship qualms tend to combine humor and practical guidance; therefore, I decided to spring my mundane boy problem on you in hopes that you will be able to give me a clever and unique answer. I, a freshman girl, am enamored with "John," a senior boy. He's big and popular; I'm small and lowly. How do I show him my affection?

-Non-existent in North

Dear Non-existent,

Ah, the wonderful, terrible harrows of youthful endearment. My dear, I insist that you re-examine your life's situation, and your self-esteem and confidence will expand incredibly. You are young, female and intelligent; qualities that would have frightened off many a suitor yester-year but are considered attractive in today's social sphere. Any lad would consider himself Fortune's son to attain your worthy hand. Keep in mind, on the totem pole of college students, freshman ladies grace the top; it's all downhill from here.