You know what a fetish is, right? Well, I have a fetish. A fetish for Valentine tuna salad-you know, it's mushy, smelly, fairly inanimate. I can't get enough. Whenever they serve it, I take at least 100 platefuls throughout the course of a meal, put them in my backpack and cart them back to my room for later "use." I often use different disguises-I'm hideous, aren't I?

-Hideous in Hamilton

Dear Hideous,

Yes, I know what a fetish is-far too well, I fear. You see, I once had a slight problem with carriage wheels. I would detach them from the chassis, wedge myself between the spokes and spin about for hours. The practice originated in childhood when I fell from a unicycle and scuttled down a hill. Fortunately, I was able to cure myself and this is how I did it: one day, I didn't detach the wheel before spinning on it. The pain cured me for good. Thus, I suggest that you make your tuna very hot before "using" it. That may work.