Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a huge player. Like a lot of guys at this college, I've gotten plastered, gone to TAP and brought back a dim-witted girl for a night. My roommate wasn't happy; unfortunately, neither was I when the chick wouldn't leave my bed. But, with insightful articles like "Getting her out of bed: You tagged her, you bagged her, now get her to leave," I'll never have that problem again.

Mental Discharge is a new online magazine providing astute analysis in its features, such as "Sexspot," where issues like "'fucked up' sexual positions" are tackled in a completely novel way and "People," where Mental Discharge asks profound questions like, "Are you a fucking loser?" For my problem, Mental Discharge suggests the "Moneyshot Newbie solution," which is to "make funky noises as if you're a 12-year-old boy experiencing his first in-bathroom Playboy fun hour. She'll think you're a dorm nerd who never left campus for anything except Chess Club championships." Mental Discharge was even nice enough to provide audio to make things clearer.