Yet, in their book "Sense and Nonsensibility," which came out in August, Associate Professor of Law, Jurisprudence and Social Thought Lawrence Douglas and Professor of Philosophy Alexander George satirize education and life as a professor, sparing neither students nor colleagues in their witty spoofs of the college world. Douglas and George read selections from their work Monday night in front of a packed and lively audience of students and faculty.
In a segment dubbed "Teach to Win," Douglas and George offered mock advice to fellow professors on how best to win the hearts of their students. "Never let students know that you have no idea what you're talking about," Douglas insisted. "When students stumble into class 15 minutes late, thank them for interrupting their busy sexual and athletic schedules."
Douglas added that professors should never lecture for more than seven consecutive minutes. "At 15 minutes, the student experiences a complete cognitive shutdown," he said. "Consider hiring a work-study student with an infectious laugh."
The advice for professors kept coming, including instruction about canceling class and limiting nudity. "Cancel class several times per term; three unannounced cancellations will maximize goodwill without rousing departmental suspicion," Douglas said. "Never allow a student to disrobe fully in your office."
Reading is a critical part of any good class, and Douglas advises that assignments should always involve entertaining pictures. "Our basic advice is not to assign any reading," he said. "If you must assign books, pick ones with plenty of cartoons and pictures. All student work is by definition above-average, and B+ is a below-average grade."
Pretending to be "academic ethicists," the duo parodied the Early Decision program, suggesting that it helped advance a group of lazy rich kids, a demographic they sarcastically said had been held down historically. They also fantasized that Williams College received a $60 million gift to champion the spirit of Harry Potter.
Douglas and George proposed the founding of the "Affected Accent Summer Camp," which would transform deadbeat professors into "the elusive academic from nowhere and everywhere." "Do you think that Nietzsche rhymes with 'peachy'?" they asked. "Change your profile in just weeks at the Affected Accent Summer Camp. Become an exotic scholar no one can afford not to take seriously." Douglas next imitated a series of would-be applicants to the fictional camp, displaying an impressive knack for a variety of hilarious accents.
George and Douglas explained that in a note to readers, they apologized to "the faculty of Harvard, George Mason University, the U.S. Department of Education, Michael Jackson, Princeton University Press, the Western tradition, the Founding Fathers and India," presumably all parties which the two had targeted somehow in their writings.
After diagnosing a fictional professor with PTD-"Post-Tenure Depression"-George administered treatment suggestions. "Consider making a friend ... or entering a relationship," he said. "Caution: We strongly discourage dating other professors. But their spouses are fair game."
Douglas and George said that in the wake of their book's publication, they monitored its dismal rating on amazon.com and arranged for the sabotage of competitors' works. "The review for 'The 9/11 Commission Report' said that 'it was a sober and important document, but I was happy to unwind with Douglas and George's 'Sense and Nonsensibility.'" George said that he and Douglas traveled to Barnes and Noble three times per day to move their book from a relegated position to a prominently displayed shelf. "And we placed the new Ann Coulter book in the Pets and Domestic Animals section," he said.
Douglas continued to highlight the hardships the two encountered after the book's publication. "We discovered that for every 500 notices sent out for a reading, one person would show up," he said. "We found this out at a reading for which we sent out 450 notices."
In perhaps the funniest bit of the reading, a segment called "Talk Bad to Me," Douglas and George acted out a sex phone line which used incorrect grammar rather than sex talk. "No, you don't understand, I want you to speak incorrectly to me," Douglas said. "After all, each individual has their ..." George answered, which Douglas quickly interrupted with "Yea, that's it." "Different than," George continued. "For all intensive purposes ... did I do good?" "You're the bestest," Douglas replied.
Professor of English William Pritchard's introduction of Douglas and George set the tone for a funny evening. He called them "swingers" and mixed in some self-effacing humor, citing a back issue of Scrutiny which called him the "least presentable and personable" professor at the College. Pritchard mocked the vague language that both George and Douglas use in their course descriptions.
The introduction by Pritchard and the performances of Douglas and George garnered rave reviews from students in the audience. "I was especially pleased with the introduction by Professor Pritchard," said Doug Barnett '08. "I thought he was a great person to introduce Professors Douglas and George. His criticism of each was absolutely hilarious."
Ali Berman '08 was surprised and pleased with the performances. "The reading was very entertaining and funnier than I expected," she said. "The humor about student-related things was hilarious. Their 'Dos and Don'ts of Teaching' was awesome because it was something I could totally relate to. The satire of it was very funny."