In the venerable tradition of campus publications across America, we at The Amherst Student have elected to eschew our weekly rassle with the day's hottest issues in favor of the sage advice we know you fresh young freshthings crave. We've marked the Amherst in-jokes with asterisks; ask your RC about them, and if they won't tell you, stop by our Campus Center office and ask us. We like to think of ourselves as the dirty old uncle of Amherst publications: maybe we drink too much and bathe too little, but we're chock full of enlightenment.

Good idea: Find an upperclassman to register your car for you.
Bad idea: Wait until you're a sophomore.
Worse idea: Steal an ambulance.*

Good: Go to a party and have fun.
Bad: Boot.
Worse: Boot in class the next morning.

Good: Go to Screw Your Roommate TAP.
Bad: Screw your roommate.
Worse: Screw your roommate at TAP.

Good: Give out free cups.
Bad: Give out free cups with holes in them.
Worse: Give out free condoms with holes in them.
Even worse: Offer a choice of paper or sheepskin.*

Good: Post your friend's drunken antics on your plan.
Bad: Post your parents' drunken antics on your plan.
Worse: ... with accompanying photographs.

Good: Visit other dorms.
Bad: Use the steam tunnels to get there.*
Worse: Try to leap there from your window.*

Good: Join a student publication.
Bad: Start a student publication.
Worse: Take over a student publication and use its budget on something completely different.*
Even worse: Join The Student.