In the past three weeks, students at Amherst College have experienced alarmingly low temperatures, requiring the use of several layers of protective clothing and the use of that disgusting smelly brown mystery stuff (shellack? soy sauce? Natty Light?) to melt ice-covered paths. These recent meteorological abnormalities call for an immediate response or I will be forced to continue wearing a large and bulky Gap jacket that hides my manly physique.

Only one course of action has any chance of reversing this dangerous trend. Scientists call it "global warming" but I prefer to call it "make it so that it's not freaking cold outside." This miraculous invention involves the use of greenhouse gases (commonly called CFCs) to destroy the barrier around the Earth (the ozone layer) which blocks sunlight and is clearly the culprit in this recent cold wave.

Sinister scientists have tried to paint these greenhouse gases as poisons, leading to calamitous climate change or other ecological disasters. But think about it, how could the gentle spewings of a steel factory or the sweet-smelling emissions of your local oil refinery possibly do us any harm? It's obvious that anyone trying to make that case is un-American and possibly not even human!

As I sit in my room wearing four layers of uncomfortable clothing, I think to myself, how did we get into this mess? There are only two possible suspects: the United Nations and those annoying anti-war protesters who hand out leaflets in town.

The U.N., also called the "league of nations whose opinions do not matter" has repeatedly attempted to coerce the U.S. into reducing its output of these greenhouse gases, presumably for some sinister reason.

Another growing concern are the anti-war protesters in town, who definitely go to Hampshire. Between puffs of the ganja (also known as "jibba") they attempt to pressure our humble government into giving into the demands of the evil Saddam Hussein. Clearly the real "Axis of Evil" contains three entities: Iraq, Hampshire students and the devious ozone layer.

There is only one solution, composed of many parts, that can stop these forces from conspiring to undermine the benign process of global warming. First, we must immediately bomb Iraq, and while we're at it, bomb the whole Middle East, plus other annoying countries, like France and the parts of Canada where they say "eh?" at the end of every sentence. Then we must immediately show our support for all the soccer moms in their SUV's, always getting 8 miles to the gallon. They are the true heroes.