Compliments like this aren't the only things that make religious prospective students at Amherst shudder. Rumor whispers that it's so cold here that walking to church is a form of penance and that ferociously secular students burn believers at the stake. These are dingbat lies. For one thing, Amherst students are too lazy to get a fireplace going, much less a good, roaring bonfire capable of martyring anyone. The worst that religious students are likely to experience is misguided compliments of the sort previously described.
In fact, religious opportunities at Amherst are, as those good Christian-butchering Romans used to say, "legion." Aside from local churches, there's Catholic Mass every Sunday at 5 p.m. in Chapin Chapel, Jewish Shabbat services plus a home-cooked, all-kosher meal every Saturday evening in the Cadigan Center and oodles of Protestant services: Friday Night Fellowship evenings in Chapin, Koinonia services every Sunday morning in Chapin, plus more Bible study groups than secular students can shake a burning torch at. If you want to repress dirty thoughts with Catholics, email newman@amherst.edu. Care to write more than one thesis? Email acf@amherst.edu to have ninety-five nailed to your door. If you want to schmooze with Jews, send a note to hillel@amherst.edu, and if you consider trekking up the Hill something of a hajj, email noor@amherst.edu.
These three Abrahamic faiths embrace most of the world's population. However, if you count heads in the pews/chairs/prayer rugs on a normal weekend, you'll garnish a piddling 15 percent of Amherst students. Given that astounding religious laxity, a reasonable observer might conclude that Amherst students aren't religious.
That is only a partial truth. Here's a 200 proof truth: Like ordinary people everywhere, Amherst students follow the crowd, so it follows that the otherwise observant miss services, since the Amherst crowd prefers sleeping it off to going to church. (At home, regular churchgoers; at Amherst, fanatics of the Sunday morning siesta.) So, beware: The cute girl next to you in physics may be in freshman bible study and BMOC-quality football players are about as likely to belong to Athletes in Action as to a fraternity. (Also, nota bene: Mel Gibson's anti-Semitic tirade did get one thing right: Jews are everywhere.) It's a fact: Amherst is thick with serious, religiously-committed people who don't attend services regularly.
I know that even the faith of fellow students may not persuade the secularists among you to take religion seriously. And, as a convert from atheism, I also know that it's tough to understand what turns an otherwise normal student into a hallelujah-shouting antiquarian bibliophile, but I know just as well that it is well worth the effort. So, let me offer a bit of uninvited advice: If the notion of attending services makes you worry about a potential downturn in your sex life, take one of those fantastic classes in the religion department. Visit the Cadigan Center, the holiest study nook on campus, and read the literature available there. Listen to a show by Terras Irradient, Amherst's only Christian a cappella group, or attend a lecture sponsored by the Multi-faith Council. Eat dinner with Hillel on Saturday-they don't care if you're Christian, Jewish or Zoroastrian so long as you prefer home-cooked goodness to Valentine slop.
But for the love of God-forgive the phrase-don't let four years at Amherst go by without a serious encounter with religion. Most of this country and most of the rest of the world is soaked with faith, and it would be an unholy shame if Amherst's reputation as a fortress of secularism prevented you from understanding what many, including many Amherst students, describe as that part of life which gives meaning to the rest.
Barring that, at least treat the religious with decency. Concretely, that means holding us to the same intellectual standards as everyone else and not treating us like zoological curiosities. As head of the Catholic student association, I speak for all Catholics when I say: Party with us, fall in love with us, dance with us and give us free booze. Nihil obstat. And, since we'll indulge your insistence on reason and empiricism, consider indulging our broadminded, sunny optimism about the hereafter by cherishing our quirks and even by attending our services now and then. We'll return the favor by forgiving your debts from that last game of Pascal's Wager.
Montana is a junior majoring in philosophy and German. He heads the Newman Club and wants it known that anyone who disagrees with him is welcome to visit him in Garman 306 for tea, home-baked snacks and argument.