But before you go running off to Liquors 44 to stock up on adult beverages, I want you to think more closely about something that is generally understood but simultaneously underappreciated about this glorious day. There is something about Homecoming that is unlike any other alcohol-laden event at Amherst: the ritual of day-drinking. Even our alcohol consumption at Luau TAP, with its notorious reputation for causing blackouts, vomiting and regrettable hook ups, does not achieve the same stigma as the day we play Williams. You may consider that a lofty statement to make, but I can prove it to you with a "case" study.
It has recently become a habit of Amherst students to compete in a Homecoming "case challenge." For those of you unfamiliar with the practice, a "case race" calls for the completion of an entire case of beer (30 cans) by opposing parties. The "winner" is the side who can finish their case in the least amount of time. Normally, case races involve two teams composed of several people, each drinking approximately five to seven beers depending on the size of the team. In the adapted version of the race specially tailored for Homecoming, however, each team consists of only one person. This individual must finish their case, without help, before the end of the night. The "end of the night" rule is by no means a glass slipper and is usually understood to be the point at which the contestant goes to sleep. As far as bedtimes go, 2 a.m. is generally considered acceptable and napping is allowed. Vomiting as grounds for disqualification is still under debate.
The "challenge," therefore, is not truly a "race" (although special recognition is accorded to the contestant who finishes first). To complete the challenge, one must merely finish the case in the allotted time frame. Now, for the benefit of those readers who didn't sense the sarcasm in my use of the word merely and might be sitting in Valentine accepting dares to undertake this challenge, allow me to walk you through the day of the case challenger based on my observations:
Those serious about completing the challenge wake up early in the day and chug a beer before tossing off their sheets. It is considered wise to finish at least three beers before breakfast, which may result in the challenger pouring orange juice over their cereal instead of milk. After breakfast, drinking games are a good way of keeping the pace and are usually played until lunch. At this point, the challenger is so full that lunch tends to be abandoned after three or four bites. Drinking water is a rookie mistake and a costly waste of gastric space.
This brings our challenger to the main event: the football game. One of the toughest parts about the game (aside from walking to Pratt Field in a straight line) is figuring out how to smuggle the remaining 18 or so beers into the stadium. Don't get me wrong-I'm not suggesting that drinking alcohol at the Homecoming game is difficult to do. You must remember, however, that most of the bulk reserves of alcohol are in coolers or cars, and most students don't have more than one drink on their person at a time. Let's give the ACPD some credit-they do a great job of identifying where they need to direct their attention in an atmosphere where underage drinking is rampant, and an already stumbling student carrying a personal case of beer is an instant red flag.
So, what to do? The obvious choice for the challenger is to use a backpack. This strategy obviously relies on stealth, as they tend to blend in with the myriad Amherst students who bring papers and problem sets to the game. Some more creative and equally surreptitious techniques have included filling an empty 35 oz. barrel of Utz Cheese Balls with beer. This method is ideal for the challenger who doesn't mind cheating a little by spilling beer all over his face and clothing, which, along with his rapidly improving conversational skills, tends to attract sexual interest.
After the football team beats Williams, the challenger usually returns to his room wondering whom we have just played and takes a nap for several hours. His friends like to leave him alone during this time and embarrassing photographs are rarely taken, if ever. The challenger will awaken from the nap unsatisfied, having obtained no restorative R.E.M. sleep, and begin battling a pre-dinner hangover by drinking another beer from the case. The rest of the day is consumed by dinner and parties, during which the contestant (if lucky) finishes off the rest of the case before passing out in the challenger's bed (if lucky).
Now, hopefully my little sarcastic summary of the day was enough to convince you that the misery accompanying this undertaking outweighs the glory. But, just in case you're still sitting in Valentine wondering if it's worth a try, I have some scary statistics to throw at you. Read on.
These statistics assume that our contestant is a 20-year old male, approximately six feet tall, weighing 180 pounds, and that he drank 30 light beers evenly over a period of 16 hours. (Light beer contains roughly four percent alcohol, while regular beer contains about four-and-a-half percent.) Under these conditions, the contestant would have a blood alcohol concentration (BAC) of .272 percent at the point when he completed the challenge. A 20-year old female contestant, approximately five feet six inches tall, weighing 130 pounds, drinking the sa.m.e Amount in the sa.m.e time period would have a deadly .415 percent BAC. Doesn't sound too bad? For general reference, the Student Health Educators advocate a BAC level of .05 percent; the state of Massachusetts enforces its DUI law on drivers over 21 years of age at or above .08 percent; most people lose consciousness at about .30 percent; and most people become comatose and die at .40 percent.
So, our victorious male contestant is likely blacked out and possibly unconscious, while our female contestant is almost certainly dead. According to Celtickane.com, the male contestant won't be able to legally drive for almost 13 hours, and won't be completely sober for 18 hours. He has filled his stomach to capacity with beer alone almost 10 times in 16 hours. (The average adult stomach has a capacity of about one quart, or 32 ounces.) Online resources providing BAC calculators would offer him the following advice and observations:
• "Call the hospital if this is your alcohol level. You are probably close to a coma or death." (1800duilaws.com)
• "You are probably unconscious." (RUpissed.com)
• "Confused, nauseated, feels shitty." (Celtickane.com)
There you have it. Day-drinkers beware. Make sure you eat plenty of food during the day (the SHE's will have a table of apples and donuts from Atkin's Farm) and bring a bottle of water along to sip from in between beers. Also, be sure to stop by the Gordie Foundation table next to the SHE's to pick up a free credit-card sized reference for identifying the six points of alcohol poisoning. But most importantly, forget the machismo and avoid the misery. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Donovan is a charter member of the Gordie Foundation Circle of Gold. He's a junior, and the resident counselor reigning over the fourth floor of Pratt Dormitory.