September 1, 2006
New proximity card readers replace number pads at dorm entrances across Amherst. Domino's vows to do whatever it takes to gain entrance to Amherst dorms, including, if necessary, enrolling several of its delivery men at the College.
September 3
President Tony Marx delivers his Convocation speech to the freshman class, accusing swimming tests of being "racist, and therefore unhelpful in determining who can or can't swim."
September 4
The swim team shows solidarity with Marx and eliminates its swimming test. In related news, Steve Irwin, "The Crocodile Hunter," is killed by a giant stingray while filming his documentary off the Great Barrier Reef. Given that Irwin had taken all of the standard precautions with the stingray that he usually takes with crocodiles, like surprising the stingray, smacking it around, and trying to wrestle with it, producers were shocked that the stingray stung (!) Irwin.
September 6
The College announced that six doubles in Plimpton will be offered to upper-class students from Hampshire College this fall as a result of a housing shortage and over-enrollment. In return, Hampshire College administrators have promised not to be high on glue when they decide how many students to admit next year.
September 9
Pope Benedict XVI angered Muslims during a speech in Turkey in which he quoted from a text that accused Muslims of spreading their faith "by the sword." Muslims leaders called the accusation "dead wrong," and insisted, "We stopped using swords-we switched to bombs decades ago."
September 12
The Student reported privacy concerns arising from several of Facebook's new features, including News Feed, Mini-Feed, and Wearing A Clown Suit And Watching You Shower Feed.
September 15
For the second time in a year, a tree planted in memory of the late Classics Professor Peter K. Marshall was uprooted in an apparent act of vandalism. Said Professor Sinos, "We're sad about the tree, but we're excited about the unearthing of new Latin roots."
September 16
Israel lifts its blockade of Lebanon, ending a series of miraculous events. In August, when Hezbollah guerillas captured a single Israeli soldier, the Israelis had but a minor grievance, sufficient to sustain the conflict only for one day. Then a miracle occurred, as the tiny amount of grievance fueled the conflict not for one day, but for two months!
September 18
University of Chicago law professor and First Amendment expert Geoffrey Stone delivers a lecture at Alumni House, entitled "Civil Liberties in Wartime: How [censored] can be employed to balance [censored] with [censored]."
September 19
Cuban dictator Fidel Castro, always committed to keeping his people accurately informed, announces that he is recovering well from his stroke and is in great health. He also proudly attributes his dramatic 20-lb. weight loss to the wonderful people at Trimspa.
September 22
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, in a speech at the United Nations General Assembly, refers to President Bush as "the devil." President Bush responds philosophically, saying, "I don't mind being the devil as long as Chavez continues selling cheap oil to Hell."
September 24
The bodies of 78 Iraqi men turned up this morning in cities all over Iraq, many having been drilled through with power tools. Authorities fear the unthinkable: that rogue Shiite militiamen are ignoring the drills' safety warnings and that they may also be using the drills near water.
September 26
Gay and lesbian magazine The Advocate recently listed the top 100 "gay and lesbian friendly colleges," each ranked by its "gay-point-average." Amherst was not mentioned in the ranking, prompting the Pride Alliance to design "Not On The List? Fine By Me." t-shirts.
Jay is a senior majoring in economics. You can share your memories with him at jlbuchman@amherst.edu.