This week's installment of fun, informative presidential candidate profiles takes us on a visit to the campaigns of two Democratic senators, each of whom have served in the hallowed halls of Congress long enough to have experienced the U.S.'s last ill-advised, mismanaged foreign quagmire. Chris Dodd (D-CT) and Joe Biden (D-DE) are two well-tanned, eloquent statesmen with perfectly coiffed hair who hail from politically inconsequential Northeastern states. Indeed, many political commentators speculate that the two are actually the same person, a theory supported by the fact that when one of the two lawmakers is on the road campaigning, the other is nowhere to be found, with a mime fulfilling his normal senatorial functions. However, there are major differences between the two. As a mnemonic, one could use the fact that Biden's name starts with the same letter as "believes that Barack Obama is a special black person because he takes showers." Dodd's surname is alliterative with the phrase "drinking and skirt-chasing buddy of Ted Kennedy." Naturally, as these nicknames suggest, these presidential hopefuls are fine, upstanding public citizens. As such, how do they envision America under their administrations?

Joe Biden (D-DE)

Economic

On the economy, Biden essentially takes stock of Democratic Party positions, advocating a focus on energy security and new technology in what he calls "not our father's economy." He hopes to modernize the healthcare system along with the U.S. monetary policy at large. His similar desire to increase the accessibility of college education reflects a solution to the standard Democratic dilemma of how to make the global economy work for ordinary people.

Foreign

Foreign policy ought to be Biden's primary strength, given his decades of experience on the Senate's Foreign Relations Committee. He touts this record as his top credential for the presidency, using that credibility to advocate a comprehensive plan for solving the Iraq crisis based on a decentralized government and resource sharing between Sunnis, Shiites and Kurds. His solution, however, seems barely preferable to Bush's strategy for forming a unified Iraqi federal government, and is practically unconvincing. Outside of Iraq, Biden's major proposal deals with Darfur, where he advocates the introduction of NATO peacekeepers and the imposition of economic sanctions on Khartoum.

Social

On social issues, Biden apparently has no official platform, leading me to infer that he does not believe in any moral taboos. Under the Biden Administration, therefore, assault weapons, bestiality, pedophilia and crack cocaine will all be legal, and pterodactyl pornography will be subsidized by the government. Evidently, Biden also wants to increase the number of police officers, but since nothing will be illegal under the Biden Administration, it is unclear what they will do.

Charisma/Intangibles/Verdict

Biden is an excellent Senator and a solid committee chairman. The people of Delaware are lucky to have him as their representative. However, the prospect of a Biden Administration is nearly as farfetched as it would be hilarious. Biden suffers from the disease endemic to all veteran senators-he cannot think of a reason to use ten words to make a point where a hundred would suffice. He also has to deal with the malady particular to Joe Biden-an almost unrivaled ability to put his proverbial foot in his mouth, often insulting entire groups of people in the process. As rib-crackingly humorous as it would be to see President Joe Biden discuss 7-11 with the Indian Prime Minister (as he once did with a South Asian constituent), those qualities that would make him an amusing President also make him an unlikely one.

Chris Dodd (D-CT)

Economic

Like Biden, Dodd promises to focus his presidency on creating new jobs and improving America's ability to compete with other economic powers in the globalization era. Unlike Biden though, he stresses the importance of protecting traditional United States powerhouses such as the manufacturing industry, defense industry and small businesses, as well as balancing the budget and ensuring fiscal responsibility. Dodd also claims to be a major friend to trial lawyers, an important source of campaign funding that Sen. John Edwards (himself a famous attorney) tapped expertly in 2004. Dodd's greatest expertise comes in dealing with education, which he hopes to improve by means of greater funding for low-income schools and making college tuition tax-deductible.

Foreign

Senator Dodd strongly opposes President Bush's Iraq policies, calling them "failed." He calls for bold action to salvage the Mesopotamian quagmire and allow American soldiers to return home speedily. In time-honored Democratic tradition, though, he specifies absolutely none of the steps that will accomplish this. Dodd seeks to strengthen the military, and probably would seek increases in funding for the Pentagon if elected. His primary foreign policy experience is in Latin America, useful for dealing with local nuisances like Castro, Morales and Chavez, but highly questionable when it comes to confronting Iran.

Social

Dodd has been at the forefront of fighting for health insurance and cheap prescription drugs for poor, elderly and young people. He eventually envisions a system of universal health coverage. Otherwise, like Biden, his positions on issues like abortion and gay marriage are purposely ambiguous. A possible clue: Dodd heartily supported Ned "Nut-job" Lamont in the general election against Joe Lieberman last year.

Charisma/Intangibles/Verdict

When talking about Dodd, I often opened my sentences with the phrase "like Biden." Indeed, like Biden, Dodd is a windy Northeastern senator with a resonant voice and skeletons in his closet. Like Biden, Dodd would probably make a competent president, with relatively mainstream liberal ideas. And like Biden, the chances of Dodd ever becoming president are precisely nil.