The 2006 Asian Games officially begin. Participants include China, Japan and the University of California at Berkeley.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ratchets up his verbal attacks against Israel, telling a crowd of students that the Jewish state is "a nice place to visit, but I would never live there."
The Department of Homeland Security warns of a possible Al Qaeda cyber-attack, postulating that "it would be easy to launch a high-casualty suicide attack over the Internet."
December 4
NASA announces plans to build a base on either the north or the south pole of the moon. The agency will also change its motto to "NASA: Boldly going back to where we went 40 years ago."
December 5
An outbreak of E. coli is traced to several Taco Bell restaurants on Long Island. Taco Bell apologizes, saying, "We always knew our food causes heart attacks, but now E. coli infections? That's just unacceptable."
December 6
The Iraq Study Group releases its long-anticipated report, calling for a withdrawal of U.S. troops by 2008. President Bush praised the report, and "heartily agrees" with its conclusion that Iraq is a country in the Middle East.
Islamic officials in Somalia declare that all citizens must pray five times a day, or be beheaded on sight. Also, kegs that are not registered with the police will be immediately confiscated.
December 7
The Grand Ayatollah of Iran issues a fatwa targeting a writer and his editor, for "defaming Islam" and "not using a comma to separate two independent clauses."
December 9
Rep. William Jefferson (D-LA) is reelected to the House of Representatives, despite keeping tens of thousands of dollars of alleged bribes in his freezer. Given that he is from a district ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, this probably marks the first time that a congressman ever won reelection by carrying the homeless vote.
DNA testing confirms that Henri Paul, the driver in the crash that killed Princess Diana, did indeed have a high blood-alcohol content. British authorities announced that the results "prove, once and for all, our inability to conduct DNA tests in a timely manner."
December 11
Iran hosts an international conference of scholars who don't believe the Holocaust actually happened. Ironically, most of the world can hardly believe that this conference is even happening.
The incoming Democratic Chairman of the U.S House Intelligence Committee claims, incorrectly, that Al Qaeda is a "predominantly Shiite" organization, and wrongly identified Osama bin Laden as the lead singer of The Cure.
December 12
Climatologists warn that most of the Arctic ice cap will be melted in 30 years and the North Pole will be in open water, which would really screw over the Arctic tourism industry.
Police in England are searching for a serial killer that so far has killed five prostitutes. Police say the murderer is "very inconsiderate" as a sexual partner, and "probably doesn't even know where the clitoris is."
December 14
The Israeli Supreme Court rules that targeted assassinations of Palestinian militants are not only allowable under international law, but also "a healthy way to relieve stress."
December 15
The Saudi government announced it will build a $12-billion wall between Saudi Arabia and Iraq. The announcement followed a report stating that Iraqis, with their low wages, are stealing "thousands of Saudi suicide-bombing jobs."
Florida Governor Jeb Bush suspends lethal injections, after learning of a botched execution that took 34 minutes to carry out. He angrily promises an end to "time-outs" and "commercials."
December 16
Time Magazine names "You"-i.e. contributors to such user-generated websites such as YouTube and Wikipedia-as its "Person of the Year." This represents the most desperate ass-kissing by the magazine since 1988's selection of Planet Earth.
December 20
England announces plans to require foreign nationals living in Britain to carry biometric ID cards and "other cool James-Bond-type stuff."
December 22
Rape charges are dropped against the three Duke University lacrosse players. This happens when the District Attorney belatedly realizes that, in order to carry the case forward, he would have needed at least a shred of real evidence.
December 25
Christmas is celebrated around the world. The birth of Jesus is observed in the United States with Nativity scenes, the decoration of Christmas trees and rampant materialism. Meanwhile, Jewish families celebrate Hanukkah by lighting candles for eight straight nights, a solemn practice which signifies that Hanukkah is eight times better than Christmas.
December 26
Former U.S. President Gerald Ford dies at 93. You can find YouTube videos reacting to the event, under the following tags: booty anna nicole smith iraq war george bush sucks lonelygirl115.
An Iraqi court sentences former dictator Saddam Hussein to death. Under Iraqi law, the hanging must be carried out in 30 days, be sloppily executed, filmed with a grainy cell phone camera and leaked to the media.
December 27
John Edwards announces that he will seek the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination. His announcement included an appeal to the American people "to carry me all the way to the Vice President's mansion in November 2008."
December 29
England finally pays off the last of its debts from World War II, and now, finally, will be able to rent its own apartment.
A 25-mile section of the Arctic Ice Shelf breaks off. President Bush urges calm, explaining that the iceberg is "migrating south for the winter."
December 30
A 67-year-old Spanish woman becomes the oldest birth mother in history. She also will star in the sequel to the Gabriel Garcia Marquez novel "One Hundred Years of Solitude," titled "Sixty-seven Years of Infertility."