Mounir El Motassadeq is sentenced by a court in Germany to only 15 years in jail for his role in the planning of the September 11, 2001, attacks, or just 1.8 days for each of the 3,000 people killed that day. After a barrage of criticism from the United States concerning the sentence, German judges promise to finally get rid of "lenient Wednesdays."

Irish becomes the 21st official language of the European Union, further reinforcing an already-solid connection between Irish-ness and the number 21.

January 2

Tony Marx spends his vacation in Florida tanning, or, as he puts it, "making myself a much more diverse person."

January 3

The North Korean News Agency reports that Foreign Minister Paek Nam-Sun has died, but it doesn't list the cause of death, only mentioning that at the time of his death, Paek's stomach "was growling in loyalty to our magnificent leader."

January 4

Nancy Pelosi is elected speaker of the United States House of Representatives and becomes the first woman to hold that post. Finally, women's issues will get the attention they deserve; issues like the war in Iraq, the minimum wage and ending America's reliance on foreign oil.

January 8

An unknown odor persists in Manhattan and Jersey City, resulting in the evacuation of several high-rise buildings. Authorities soon identify the smell as "New York," and urge people to return to work.

January 9

Hindu holy men in India threaten to boycott the Ganges River Festival because of pollution, and "the lack of a sufficiently entertaining boy band."

Apple Inc. CEO Steve Jobs unveils the iPhone. For $499, the iPhone can play music, take pictures, surf the web and do everything else that you are already perfectly capable of doing.

January 10

U.S. President George W. Bush announces that he will send 21,500 more troops to fight in the war in Iraq, as part of "the reverse-drawdown of troops that the American people have repeatedly asked for."

According to the Iranian news agency, a UFO has crashed in the Kerman province. Little green men emerged from the UFO, but soon left because they thought Iranian president Ahmadinejad was "a little too weird for us."

January 11

China shoots a ballistic missile into space, destroying one of its own satellites. Next week, China plans to drag itself into the men's room and beat the shit out of itself.

The U.S. Defense Department reports that some unknown people planted Canadian coins with hidden radio transmitters on U.S. defense contractors. This discovery leads to a disturbing realization, that Canadian currency is not only worthless, but also dangerous.

January 12

Terri Irwin, the widow of the Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin, says that all footage of his death from a stingray attack has been destroyed, after it tried to provoke two hungry lions.

Terrorists fire an anti-tank missile at the U.S. embassy in Greece. No one is injured or killed. The terrorists have learned their lesson and vow to wait for an actual tank next time.

January 14

The Red Crystal is recognized as an official symbol of the International Red Cross, the Red Crescent Movement and the local methamphetamine lab in Topeka, Kansas.

January 15

Colombian police arrest Eugenio Montoya, a leader of what the FBI calls the "most powerful and violent drug-trafficking organization in Colombia." Police are hopeful that, after this latest arrest, Montoya "finally" will be kicked out of the Colombian Senate.

Saddam Hussein's half-brother Barzan Ibrahim is hanged. According to a video of the execution, Ibrahim's head was severed from the rest of his body. Government officials call the beheading "one of those tragic accidents, you know, like when you win a million dollars."

January 17

President George W. Bush announces that the NSA has ended its practice of warrantless wiretapping, or at least that's what the head of the NSA told his wife on the phone last night.

The minute hand on the Doomsday Clock of the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists is moved to five minutes to midnight. Observers wonder if, perhaps, this is a slight overreaction to Britney Spears's new shaved head.

Snow is recorded at Los Angeles International Airport for the first time since 1962. Even stranger, a woman with real breasts is seen in downtown Beverly Hills for the first time since 1995.

January 20

Senator Hillary Clinton officially announces her presidential bid with an exploratory committee. She reveals to Time Magazine that she and Bill Clinton have sex three times a week, sometimes with each other.

January 21

Bill Richardson, currently the Democratic Governor of New Mexico, announces his candidacy for president. The media holds its hands over its ears and yells, "la la la la la la la la la !!"

January 23

A rare eel-like creature, later identified as frilled shark, is discovered in Japan by fishermen. Japanese scientists frantically study the fish to figure out whether it can be eaten raw.

Israel's Ministry of Justice says it plans to charge Israeli President Moshe Katsav with rape. Katsev's lawyers announced they will defend their client with the "But I Thought She Was Palestinian!" defense.

January 26

The Amherst Admissions office announces a record applicant pool and says the number of applications from females far outpaces those from males.

January 29

Yone Minagawa of Japan, 114, becomes the world's oldest living person. She reveals that her secret for health is "to live in a peaceful country, one that really respects its neighbors and would never try to invade them."

In a complete shock to the UMass police, rioters fail to materialize after the Indianapolis Colts win Peyton Manning his first Super Bowl ring.

January 30

Windows Vista, the latest version of the Microsoft Windows operating system is released worldwide to consumers. Microsoft's goals with the product are twofold: to provide consumers with new multimedia tools and to provide the spark of good news that may just prevent the PC guy in the PC/Mac ads from killing himself.

January 31

French President Jacques Chirac, in an interview with the International Herald Tribune, says that even if Iran produces one or two nuclear weapons, it will "pose little danger to its neighbors." As proof of his assertion, he cited Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's vow to "put Israel on the map."