February 1
J. K. Rowling announces the release date for the final installment of the Harry Potter series. "Harry Potter and the Horrible, Painful Death at the Hands of Monkeys" will be released July 21.
The French government has banned smoking cigarettes in all public places. Also illegal is eating fatty cheeses and "acting French."
February 2
A worker replacing a light bulb in Buckley Recital Hall falls from a ladder and breaks his ribs. The College community is relieved to find out later that the fall was merely part of a Hampshire student's avant-garde performance thesis.
Clashes between rival groups of Italian soccer fans kill a police officer and injure 71 people. Italian police think several yellow and red cards may be merited by the incident.
February 3
The head of Hezbollah states for the first time that the governments of Iran and Syria are supporting Hezbollah financially. He added, "We're here, we're financially supported by Iran, get used to it!"
February 4
In an effort to contain bird flu, authorities in England incinerate more than 50,000 turkeys. Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad immediately denies that the mass turkey incineration ever happened.
The Indianapolis Colts defeat the Chicago Bears 29-17 in Super Bowl XLI. Colts quarterback Peyton Manning thanks God (Bears quarterback Rex Grossman) for the win.
February 5
Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani officially announces his candidacy for President. He plans to coast through the Republican primary on the popular appeal of his "government funding for abortions" platform.
NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak is arrested in Florida for attempting to kidnap a woman she considered her romantic rival. The incident validates what NASA physicists have always suspected, that men are from Mars, women are from Venus.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad presents what he calls an "herbal solution for those who live with AIDS" at a medical conference. The "cure" includes two ounces of chamomile and a capsule of cyanide.
February 6
The Pentagon announced it will establish a new command center in Africa, to help protect America from the specter of rampant starvation.
February 8
Anna Nicole Smith is found unresponsive on the floor of her hotel room in Florida, and is later pronounced dead. The media promises not to be distracted by the fact that she had huge boobs and promises to cover other, more important stories.
February 11
The U.S. military accuses the government of Iran of supplying sophisticated roadside bombs to Iraqi insurgents, and more importantly, of encouraging its citizens to vote for Sanjaya en masse.
Barack Obama apologizes for saying that the lives of military personnel killed in Iraq had been "wasted." What he meant to say was that the service members' lives "could have been recycled, thus causing far less of an impact on the environment."
February 12
A suspicious brown substance is found in an envelope at the Virginia Supreme Court building. Officials immediately recognize the nature of the threat facing them: a terrorist who shits anthrax.
February 13
In France, the TGV beats the record of the world's fastest train with a speed of 344 mph. Unfortunately the train can only run one way, away from Germany.
Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney (R) formally announces his candidacy for president. If elected, he promises "to always wear that special underwear which only Mormons wear."
February 14
Comedian Al Franken announced that he will run for the a Minnesota Senate seat. He faces only one problem: There's absolutely nothing funny about American politics.
The U.S. discovers that Muqtada Al Sadr fled Iraq several weeks ago, and that he is currently in Iran. At U.S. Central Command in Baghdad, the sentence "I ran to Iran" ceases to be funny after about 30 seconds.
Members of the Amherst College faculty debate a proposal to increase the size of the student body by 80, the size of the faculty by 18 and average length of Tony Marx's speeches to 7,000 words.
February 15
The European Union plans to set up a single telephone hotline for parents to report missing children. They are currently seeking qualified phone operators who can speak 21 different languages.
February 16
An Italian judge has ordered 26 CIA agents to stand trial over the kidnapping of an Egyptian cleric in 2003. The U.S. faults Italy for "totally not being able to keep a secret."
February 18
Police in Pakistan detain 36 people in connection with a suicide bombing. Surprisingly, so far no one has confessed to committing the suicide bombing.
February 19
Prime Minister of Australia John Howard announces plans to send up to 70 additional Australian soldiers to Iraq to train the Iraqi Army, as part of a "mini-micro-nano surge."
New Jersey becomes the third U.S. state to offer civil unions to homosexual couples. Gays say thanks, but we're not moving to New Jersey.
February 20
Dick Cheney visits Japan to discuss Iraq. He convinces Japan to send more troops to Iraq by telling Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe that Iraqi insurgents are delicious when eaten raw.
February 21
Denmark will withdraw its 460 troops from Iraq by August. The Danish force left because it was sick of being called "cute."
February 22
Prince Harry will serve a tour of duty in Iraq as a member of the British Army, the Royal Family announced. Meanwhile, the British Army will have to make up some authoritative-sounding but completely powerless office for him to hold.
A U.S. soldier is sentenced to 100 years in prison for raping and murdering a 14-year-old Iraqi girl. He will begin serving his sentence just as soon as the army finds soldiers willing to replace him.
February 26
Director James Cameron claims to have found a tomb that once contained the remains of Jesus of Nazareth, his disciple Mary Magdalene, their son Judah and their pet dog Judas.
February 27
Richard M. Daley, the mayor of Chicago, is elected for his sixth term. He immediately travels to a cemetery to deliver a victory speech to his base.
A suicide attack at Bagram Air Base in Pakistan while Dick Cheney is visiting kills 23, but the Vice President is not injured. The Taliban claims responsibility, and declares that its goal was to "give Cheney a heart attack when he heard the blast."
February 28
Senator John McCain announces his candidacy for president on the Late Show with David Letterman with a hilarious "Top 10 Reasons We Must Win in Iraq."
Two paintings by Pablo Picasso, "Maya with Doll" and "Jacqueline," have been stolen from an apartment in Paris, France. The suspect is a 5'9'' male with brown hair and four eyes on the left side of his head.