Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee has proven to be the surprise of this presidential election cycle. The former Baptist preacher who became famous for shedding 110 lbs. while in office—and who apparently plays a mean guitar—has recently “caught fire” in Iowa. Five months ago, Huckabee barely registered in Iowa polls, but after finishing a respectable second place to fellow Republican former Governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney at the Ames Straw Poll in August, Huckabee has catapulted up the polls on the shoulders of Iowa’s numerous Christian conservatives. Despite the impecunious state of his campaign, Huckabee currently sits in second place in the Hawkeye State, only seven percent behind the front-runner Romney, according to the latest Real Clear Politics Iowa polling average. He enters the homestretch before the primary with a fanatical support base and with considerable momentum, much like Howard Dean in 2003, before everyone realized that he liked to scream like a banshee whenever he suffered a reverse. But Huckabee has another thing going for him, aside from his social conservatism, skill in debate and down-home manner. The thing in question could, if provoked, roundhouse kick you in the face. I speak, of course, of Chuck Norris, the famous martial arts expert and “Walker, Texas Ranger” star, who allegedly both counted to infinity twice and lost his virginity before his father did. (This is according to www.chucknorrisfacts.com, which is the authoritative source for all Chuck Norris-related information in this article.) Norris, who endorsed Huckabee in October 2006, has basically become the centerpiece of his campaign, as evidenced by the now-famous Huck-Chuck Facts television ad, which I may or may not have watched hundreds of times on YouTube. If Chuck Norris plays as large a role in the Huckabee administration as he seems to in the campaign, America could be in for its most hilarious presidency yet.

In the YouTube ad, Huckabee describes Chuck Norris as his “plan to protect our borders.” This would be a shrewd policy move, as a sizeable proportion of the episodes of “Walker, Texas Ranger” involve Chuck Norris breaking a ring of drug and immigrant smugglers on the Mexico-Texas border, generally using only his bare hands. Similarly, placing Chuck Norris in charge of fighting terrorism would be effective. Norris, of course, does not go hunting, but goes killing instead. His appointment would increase the proportion of success in foiling terrorist plots to approximately 100 percent. There have also been rumors, mainly started by me, that a Huckabee administration would merge the departments of State, Defense and Homeland Security into a cabinet-level Department of Ass-Kicking, to be headed and staffed by Chuck, with the help of Clarence Gilyard, who plays Norris’ sidekick in “Walker.” This would probably result in the successful resolution of our conflict with Iran. If, as “Chuck Norris Facts” claims, the Soviet Union quit the Cold War after watching a “DeltaForce” marathon, Iran would probably throw in the towel after seeing a preview for “Walker.” Additionally, Mike Huckabee claims to be a major supporter of Israel. After searching for Chuck Norris with both “Israel” and “Jews” on Google, I didn’t find anything, so I am not certain how that one will play out.

Chuck Norris commends Huckabee, on YouTube, for being ready to “put the IRS” out of business. This is an interesting claim to make about a man who raised the ire of many conservatives (and gained the accolades of many rational people) for enacting a much-needed tax increase in Arkansas. Not that I am doubting Chuck Norris’ word, so there’s no need for him to come and find me. So, if Huckabee decided that the United States would be better off raising money by raffling off the Washington Monument, how would he go about it? I envision a scene where Chuck Norris, with Western background music, puts a gigantic padlock on the doors of the IRS headquarters, after roundhouse kicking Senator Ted Kennedy in the face.

But Huckabee’s largest appeal stems from his religious conservative credentials, and his trustworthiness on all-important matters of national policy such as God, guns and gays. Chuck Norris apparently likes Huckabee because he will protect the Second Amendment, acting on the principle that guns don’t kill people, Chuck Norris kills people. Ostensibly, Norris is not talking about his own gun rights. I would like to see what would happen to the law enforcement officer who tries to confiscate Chuck’s firearms. I don’t think there would be enough of him left to bury. Huckabee is also (get ready for a shocker) an outspoken opponent of both abortion and gay marriage. Chuck Norris, too, has an abiding respect for human life … unless it gets in his way. Huckabee is also a major supporter of homeschooling, which protects innocent Christian children from evil, atheistic influences like evolution. There is, of course, no such thing as evolution. There are only animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.

So if Huckabee gets elected, be prepared to party like it’s 1920. And his getting elected, worryingly, is not as much of an impossibility as it once was. If Huckabee beats Romney in Iowa, he could become the standard-bearer for the still powerful evangelical community, who would flood his coffers with money to compete in New Hampshire and later primaries. If Huckabee gained enough momentum to knock Romney and former Senator of Tennessee Fred Thompson out of the race, he could certainly defeat Rudy Giuliani for the nomination of a Republican Party that is still extremely conservative. Although the political landscape is currently extremely favorable to the Democrats, Huckabee might be the most politically talented of the Republican field, and could still eke out a victory. Fortunately, the institution of secret ballots probably allows people to vote against Mike Huckabee without Chuck Norris finding out who they are. However, given that Chuck Norris once shot down a fighter plane by raising his finger and saying “bang,” many Americans may not want to test that theory.