Yes, I know you got this newspaper in Val for free amongst all the other enthralling literature planted right where you wanted to put your tray down, but your monetary woes are rooted in a much deeper problem. The comprehensive fee to live in this magical dream bubble they call the Singing College is $45,652 (it’s going up next year). The “school year” is around nine months long. Subtract four weeks for winter break, one for thanksgiving, one for spring break, and two for the end of May, and you’re left with around a seven-month school year (more or less, for all the intelligent Amherst perfectionists reading). With some basic math, most of which I learned in middle school, a day of education here costs $210, or $8.75 for an hour. I assume it takes the average reader around five minutes to read this article, which is costing you about 75 cents. That’s why you’re wasting 75 cents as you read. You’re paying $8.75 an hour to read an article written by an arbitrary college student with a laptop and knack for the pointless. If you were reading an article written by Toni Morrison or something, that would be understandable. But you’re not. You’re reading an article written by me. Rick Morgan. Some guy.
I hope some readers out there haven’t actually taken me seriously and put the newspaper down already. This observation about your 75 cents per five minute deal was really just meant to prove a point. The cost of college education at an amazing school like Amherst is crazy to think about. Let me explain. I’m an English major. I’m taking two classes right now that revolve around reading books. A third class revolves around watching films. I can make any point my liberal arts heart desires and, so long as I argue with any display of passion, I won’t be wrong. I might even be right from time to time. But even being right is too objective of a conclusion most of the time. Is it just me, or do you sometimes get the feeling that a liberal arts education doesn’t do the best job at teaching us tangible information? In high school I took things like calculus, chemistry and history. When I went home and ate dinner, my parents would ask me, “What did you learn in school today?” I used to be able to sit up straight, with a part in my hair and a book in my lap, and actually answer them with something real. My parents still kind of ask me this question, but in the form of, “What did you learn this semester in exchange for the $46,000 we sent in the mail?” I respond with something like, “Uhhh, well, I uhhh…this one book was, like, an allegory for the Cold War, kind of.” If I don’t come out of here with some kind of valuable degree, my parents might burn all of my pictures left in the family album.
I know, I know, I am something of an outlier. I’m an English major who centers his college education around novels, art and films. But even so, isn’t that supposed to be the pride and joy of liberal arts? Aren’t we here to get a diverse and unconventional education that sets our gifted minds free? Didn’t Fiske Guide to Colleges describe Amherst as a place where students didn’t have limits? Am I really paying $46,000 a year to learn about nothing factual?
Yes, I am. And I’m proud of it. I don’t think the point of an Amherst degree is to learn more obligatory facts that will probably only get you so far in life. Obviously there are people at this school who do center their education around things like science and math, and that works for them. But more important than a strict Amherst education is the Amherst experience. I’ve been exposed to people, ideas and art at this school that you can’t find at any other college. These things might not teach me how to find the area under a curve, but the experience is still a real learning process. I’ll leave here with a knowledge that goes beyond anything you can count, measure or dissect. And besides, I love novels and other subjective mumbo jumbo. It’s what I do best, and I hope I can make a living doing something along these lines.
You might not agree with me, and that’s fine. Go have fun with your physics exam. I’ll be busy arguing whatever I want to in an English class.