The most disturbing revelation centers on a wild, horrifying string of events involving Pacman Jones of the NFL's Tennessee Titans. Jones, in Vegas to enjoy the NBA's festivities with various groupies, visited a strip club. He carried $81,000 in cash into the club. For some unknown reason, at one point Jones threw hundreds of one dollar bills onto the stage. The dancers began clamoring for the cash.
Unlike the events above, the following are disputed. They represent the consensus view of the club owner and several eye-witnesses, but Jones' lawyer disagrees. Jones, who evidently wanted the cash he flung on-stage to remain untouched and in his possession, freaked out when the dancers began collecting the money. If Jones wanted to keep his money, maybe he should have kept it in his pocket. In any case, Jones grabbed onto one of the dancers who picked up the cash. He punched her in the face and smashed her head repeatedly into the stage. Upon witnessing these events, the club bouncer, Aaron Cudworth, came to the dancer's defense and neutralized Jones. Jones' hangers-on proceeded to spark a melee with Cudworth and club security guard Tom Urbanski. Eventually, order was temporarily restored, but not before Jones punched the dancer in the face one more time, and not before Jones personally declared that he would kill Urbanski. At that point, Jones' group left the club.
A short time later, Jones and his friends re-entered the club. Shots rang out. Cudworth, Urbanski, and a female customer sustained bullet wounds. Cudworth, shot in the chest and arm, survived without significant injury, as did the female patron. Urbanski wasn't so lucky. A bullet severed Urbanski's spine, paralyzing him permanently from the waste down. It is widely, though not officially, suspected that Jones and his friends fired the shots. It is also worth noting that Jones has a somewhat relevant criminal record. This story represents the fourth startling criminal activity allegedly involving Jones. His record is highlighted by a prior arrest, in 2005, for assault and vandalism in a strip club, where he spit on a dancer. He also was arrested for association in a drug case and for a shooting in a gas station parking lot.
The most recent story is, obviously, deeply disturbing. An NFL player walks into a strip club carrying a wildly excessive amount of cash, acts like a fool, then gets so upset when reasonable people intervene that a completely innocent bystander-Urbanski, who was just trying to do his job and make an honest living-ends up paralyzed. My immediate reaction was to think that the NFL should suspend Jones indefinitely. Then I reconsidered, because shouldn't Jones be considered entirely innocent until proven guilty?
But the more I think about it, the innocent-until-proven-guilty position is a cop-out. If a teacher, lawyer, or any other kind of employee were suspected of similar behavior, my guess is the employer wouldn't wait too long to fire that employee. The employer wouldn't wait for court proceedings to finish. Even mere suspicion of an employee's involvement in such unsavory business is bad PR, not to mention the fact that it's just wrong. So why should professional athletes be treated any differently? Because criminal activity by professional athletes has become pervasive? Is it so normalized that even this horrifying story doesn't bring the proper severe punishment? Such would reflect a shockingly sad state of affairs. The NFL, as an employer, has every right to hold its employers to the standard that a school or a company would demand. If anything, the NFL should demand more of its players, since it pays the players more than almost any company pays its employees.
NESCAC Nicknames
As March Madness approaches and college basketball teams receive national attention, I am reminded of the top Div. I programs' great nicknames. Many top teams have nicknames that embody toughness and make sense in athletic competition. As a group, the NESCAC colleges feature what must be some of the most original but least relevant nicknames in the country. Here I rank the NESCAC nicknames, from worst to best:
11. Williams Ephs: Cows are lazy, fat and disgusting. They chew their cud. But Williams didn't think normal cows would suffice, so it colored its cow purple, adopting as its symbol an animal that doesn't even exist. Then it named the nauseating, fake animal after a human being. Senseless, gross, entirely uninspiring.
10. Trinity Bantams: A bantam is a "chicken of any of several varieties or breeds characterized by very small size." If you insist on choosing a bird, how about hawks, eagles or falcons?
9. Tufts Jumbos: Sloppy, immobile elephants. Nothing redeeming but their size.
8. Wesleyan Cardinals: Tiny birds. Would be the worst name in the conference, but cardinals' special shade of red is striking.
7. Bowdoin Polar Bears: Bears are scary and the Arctic probably breeds toughness. But polar bears kill just seals and foxes-nothing too impressive.
6. Connecticut College Camels: Research shows they don't even have the remarkable water retention capacity that most people believe. Failed as military carriers in the 19th century. Chew their cud, like the disgusting Ephs.
5. Colby Mules: I'm torn on the mules. Wikipedia says they are the "offspring of a male donkey and a female horse," which suggests a less than notable ancestry. They have the "sobriety, patience, endurance and sure-footedness of the ass," which seems like a good thing, but, then again, I wouldn't want to be compared to an ass, no matter how favorable the comparison may be. On the other hand, mules are reliable blue-collar heavy lifters.
4. Bates Bobcats: Small wild cats. Nothing inherently fierce about them.
3. Middlebury Panthers: Bigger, fiercer cats.
2. Hamilton Continentals: Traditional, patriotic. Good enough.
1. Amherst Lord Jeffs: Name sounds tame, until you learn that Jeffrey invented biological warfare.