5:47 p.m. Former NFL coach and current analyst Mike Ditka picks the Giants to beat the Patriots 17-14. Laughter ensues.
6:17 p.m. American Idol winner Jordin Sparks sings the national anthem (75 percent chance of lip sync). Hey, at least it wasn’t Ruben Studdard or Taylor Hicks.
6:31 p.m. The game is starting. I’m having heart palpitations. Also, I just lost $4 by betting on heads for the coin toss. At least the Giants will get the ball and won’t have to deal with a 7-0 deficit before Eli gets one snap off.
6:46 p.m. Here comes Lawrence Tynes, to save the day again. I’m feeling a shank here. The kick is up, and somehow the Giants take a 3-0 lead.
6:51 p.m. Well, there’s Wes Welker again, who has turned into an absolute stud. I think he’s fairly happy with the decision to leave Miami. He’s not only a top-10 receiver in the league, but also probably the hardest to bring down.
6:59 p.m. Patriots 7, Giants 3. Laurence Maroney plows one in—looks like the dreads are working for him tonight.
7:08 p.m. Ahmad Bradshaw, the lightning to Brandon Jacobs’ thunder, just carried defensive lineman Ty Warren on his back for seven yards. That’s a 110-pound weight difference.
7:16 p.m. Amani Toomer makes a fantastic catch as he slips out of bounds, but only after slamming Rodney Harrison in the face and getting a lucky no-call.
7:18 p.m. Elation turns into disappointment as Steve Smith decides to hand the ball to Ellis Hobbs. All right, I guess they know something I don’t know about winning this game. I thought the point was to score points and not make terrible decisions, but that’s fine for now.
7:46 p.m. After a number of close calls for the Giants, including a horrendous Bradshaw fumble, Steve Smith forgets where he is and decides to pay no attention to a Hail Mary pass from Eli Manning as time expires in the first half. Again, that’s fine. Crush my hopes and dreams, what do I care.
8:14 p.m. Tom Petty is on. Please, for the love of God, let there be no wardrobe malfunction.
8:29 p.m. The Giants kick off and will need to rely on the defense to stop Brady. Not a tall order at all for a bunch of rookies.
8:51 p.m. The third quarter was a complete defensive struggle. Defensive end Justin Tuck is the largest man I’ve ever seen.
9:34 p.m. I can’t decide which is more surprising: the fact that Jeremy Shockey is sitting with a beer in a luxury box, or that backup rookie tight end Kevin Boss just caught a 45-yard pass.
10:17 p.m. David Tyree (who?) pulls down a five-yard TD pass. No need to get excited, because here comes another comeback by Tom Brady. The Pats march down the field while taking a huge chunk of time off the clock.
10:18 p.m. Randy Moss catches a third-down TD pass, after humiliating Corey Webster. All there was to be seen after that play was the Giants cornerback lying face down by the goal line with Moss prancing down the Pats sideline doing his trademark touchdown dance.
10:32 p.m. Ok, Eli Manning. This is it. If there is ever a time to prove yourself, it is right now.
10:34 p.m. NO. Asante Samuel is not on the Giants. That pass was closer to me than to whomever you were trying to throw that to, Eli.
10:39 p.m. Arguably the best play in Super Bowl history. Manning narrowly escapes a sack by four Patriots and heaves a wobbling pass to David Tyree, who pins the ball against his helmet while wrestling it away from Rodney Harrison. I need a respirator.
10:42 p.m. I thought they had decided to rip every play with Steve Smith’s number 12 out of the playbook. But wait! He catches a third-down pass and slips out of bounds just past the first down marker.
10:47 p.m. Plaxico Burress plants Ellis Hobbs on the ground and catches a perfect floater from Eli to give the Giants a 17-14 lead. Screaming and raucous convulsing occur.
10:54 p.m. Randy Moss just misses a Hail Mary pass. If the Patriots manage a comeback here, I will be carted off to the looney bin.
10:59 p.m. The New York Giants complete (arguably, of course) the biggest Super Bowl upset of all time, beating the 18-0 Patriots. I’ve never been happier about any single sporting event outcome in my entire existence. For any sports fan, feel lucky that you were able to witness such a spectacle. Now if the Patriots are “the greatest team ever,” and the Giants beat them, aren’t the Giants the greatest team ever?