Me: F**k the Mets, they don’t deserve to make the playoffs.
3 Strips: It’s football season.
Exactly. I couldn’t have put it better myself. Now that we’re five weeks into the season, it’s about time to start forgetting about America’s old pastime and start sizing up America’s new pastime with the first edition of my NFL Power Rankings.
32. St. Louis Rams (0-4)—Things got so bad for former coach Scott Linehan over the last couple of weeks that Lehman Brothers executives were calling to tell him everything was going to be okay. Can Jim Haslett turn it around? Let me think for a moment—no.
31. Detroit Lions (0-4)—You know something is wrong when the lone highlight of your season was your team president stepping down.
30. Cincinnati Bengals (0-5)—At least “Cincinnati Bungles” is still the funniest nickname in the league.
29. Kansas City Chiefs (1-4)—Found a way to be the 30th worst scoring offense in the league despite having offensive talents like Larry Johnson, Tony Gonzalez and Dwayne Bowe.
28. Seattle Seahawks (1-3)—For Mike Holmgren, the end of the season, and retirement, can’t come soon enough.
27. Houston Texans (0-4)—If I were Gary Kubiak, after last week’s heartbreaker against Indy I would have made Sage Rosenfels write “I am not John Elway” 1,000 times on a blackboard.
26. Oakland Raiders (1-3)—Their signature fan dresses up like Darth Vader (Darth Raider?), their owner Al Davis looks like a Sith Lord, and they have a captain named Kirk. Too bad this team is about to blow up like the Death Star.
25. Cleveland Browns (1-3)—Most disappointing news out of Ohio since The Drew Carrey Show got cancelled.
24. San Francisco 49ers (2-3)—Two wins came against Seattle and Detroit.
23. Minnesota Vikings (1-3)—With a solid D, a better O-Line and a jaw-dropping running back in Adrian Peterson, the Vikes were a trendy Super Bowl pick. I guess everyone forgot about the whole quarterback thing.
22. Green Bay Packers (2-3)—Rodgers is doing his best to fill Favre’s shoes, but the Pack is off to a disappointing start despite his admirable effort.
21. Atlanta Falcons (3-2)—Surprising success has brought hope to post-Vick Atlanta. On a side note, how long before we hear Chris Berman say, “Atlanta is in a dog fight for the NFC South?”
20. New York Jets (2-2)—Favre has been the league’s best statistical QB, but the defense could be bad enough to waste it.
19. San Diego Chargers (2-3)—The Chargers have a high-powered offense despite LT being a bit off, but the defense has suffered with key injuries.
18. Miami Dolphins (2-2)—Jets boast the head-to-head edge, but after two upset wins, the Fins, and their single-wing offense, are on the rise.
17. Arizona Cardinals (3-2)—First-place Cards don’t even crack the top half of the league. Yes, the NFC West is that bad.
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-2)—Griese has led them to three impressive wins, but when he went down this week with a shoulder injury, even the lowly Denver defense was able to shut down the Bucs’ attack.
15. New Orleans Saints (2-2)—Brees is lighting it up despite key injuries to the offense. New Orleans would be 3-1 if not for a fluke missed field goal against Denver.
14. Indianapolis Colts (2-2)—Not the Colts of old, but as long as they have Manning running the show, you’ve got to give Indy a chance every week.
13. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-3)—The Jags had a disappointing start for sure, but the schedule is partly responsible; all three losses have been against AFC division leaders.
12. Philadelphia Eagles (2-3)—With Brian Westbrook, they’re an elite team. Without Westbrook (broken ribs), they’re falling faster than the Dow.
11. Chicago Bears (3-2)—Defense is strong as usual, and Kyle Orton leads a top-10 offense. Wait—what did I just say?
10. Baltimore Ravens (2-2)—Their defense, which is the stingiest yards-per-game unit in the NFL, is the main reason they’ve exceeded expectations.
9. New England Patriots (3-1)—Offense under Cassel looked exponentially better against the 49ers, but the embarrassing loss to Miami still leaves some doubt. The Pats’ D looked so surprised when Miami unveiled the option that the NFL should have let Belichik film Fins’ practices just to make it fair.
8. Buffalo Bills (4-1)—Got off to a fast start, but will Trent Edwards’ injury make the offense hit a speed bump (or, in Marshawn Lynch’s case, a person)?
7. Denver Broncos (4-1)—Cutler leads an Elway-esque (note: not Rosenfels-esque) passing attack, but Denver has gotten lucky against New Orleans (thank you Martin Gramatica) and San Diego (thank you Ed Hochuli).
6. Carolina Panthers (4-1)—Carolina has a great receiver duo in Muhammad-Smith and great defense. This team reminds me of every good Panthers team in the past. The NFC South is theirs to lose.
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1)—The Steelers have looked strong but are down to third-string halfback. Not to mention the fact that Ben Roethlisberger has taken so many hard sacks that pretty soon, they’re going to start serving him as the special at IHOP.
4. Dallas Cowboys (4-1)—High octane Dallas is only the third-best team in the division. Is this year’s NFC East the strongest division ever?
3. Washington Redskins (4-1)—With consecutive road wins in Dallas and Philly, the Skins have been arguably the most impressive team of the young season.
2. Tennessee Titans (5-0)—Tennessee’s ferocious D has them undefeated and looking like the team to beat in the deep AFC South. But a mediocre offense means the overall edge goes to the…
1. New York Giants (4-0)—Their offense leads in yard-per-game (ypg) and points-per-game (ppg). Their defense is third in ypg and second in ppg. Their average margin of victory is just under 20. That is the definition of dominance. The only chink in the armor is that they’ve done it against a weak schedule, but the Week-1 win against Washington is looking a lot bigger now than it did back then.
My exchange with 3 Strips ended like this:
Me: Yeah, at least we still have the Giants.
3 Strips: I’m sorry, I’m not aware of a team with that name. Could you possibly be referring to the Super Bowl Champion New York Giants?
Me: Why yes, I was indeed referring to the Super Bowl Champion New York Giants.
God, that will never get old.