1. Professional Basketball: For better or worse, this is my theory on the NBA. Leagues like the NFL and MLB are compelling and relatable because everyone grows up playing versions of football and baseball that somewhat resemble the professional versions. That epic touchdown catch you made in your backyard could have been made by Randy Moss. That diving snag you made as a little leaguer could have been made by Derek Jeter. This is similar to professional golf’s appeal; in any given round, you can hit one great Tiger-esque shot that makes the whole round (no matter how atrocious it was) worth it. However, out of all professional sports, the version of basketball we grow up playing least resembles the game currently played in the NBA. The letters should stand for the Not Basketball Association. Watching current NBA players rip apart ten-foot baskets is like watching the MonStars play that final game against MJ’s Toon Squad in “Space Jam.” It’s an absolute joke. The average fan can’t dunk from anywhere, much less from the freaking foul line, a la LeBron James in his most recent YouTube hit. Most of us grow up playing a basketball in which coaching and offensive schemes matter, post moves matter because big men still score off lay-ups and teamwork matters. Ergo, college basketball is superior because it exhibits all three of these qualities and is thus much more like the game we grow up loving. Not to mention college basketball’s playoff format: March Madness and those glorious brackets (for more on my bracket theory, read on). The grind of the NBA playoffs is downright painful. Six games of Hawks vs. Wizards on TNT? Count me out, Ernie Johnson Jr.
2. The BCS: I love football. I love the NFL game, and I love the college game. But watching the end of the college season get ruined every year by the BCS is like watching a friend with a drug addition; You want to do something but you just feel powerless to stop the insanity. If you like the bowl system, let me paint this picture for you. It’s a cold January morning over winter break. You’ve already slept in, and you’re ready for a great do-nothing day watching college football in front of the new TV you got for Christmas. You flick on the channel in sweet anticipation … BUT NO! It’s The Madison County School of Nursing vs. The Ohio River Valley Technical Institute in the FreeCreditReport.com Utz Potato Chip Sears Roebuck Wells Fargo Wagon Poinsettia Bowl. Whooooo! Who’s excited?! There’s already a billion feasible plans for turning the bowls into a playoff system, so I won’t waste your time reiterating them. People don’t want to make the season longer for the top teams, but why shouldn’t the NCAA show off its elite programs? Eliminate the meaningless conference championship games to make room. I expect to hear the quarterback of Ball State say his goal is to win his conference. I expect Tim Teebow to say his goal is to win a national championship. Why not give the top eight teams a chance? Better yet, they could make a bracket. There is not a male sports fan in America that is not at least mildly sexually aroused by any kind of bracket. Forget March Madness — I’ve literally made brackets about everything in my life, including my favorite fruit (eight-seeded clementine upset one-seeded banana in the finals.) I can’t explain why, but brackets are just phenomenal — every sport should have one. And while we’re on the topic of college football, ABC needs to fire Brent Musburger. Seriously, just do it.
3. Season 3 of Friday Night Lights: With the MLB playoffs over, the Not Basketball Association kicking off, and the BCS making my hair fall out, I must sadly admit that the second spot in my sports-watching hierarchy (right after the NFL) is currently occupied by fictional high school football. Those of you who saw the first two seasons know it’s one of the best shows on television, but unfortunately, I have been less than thrilled with certain aspects of season three. First of all, all the episodes are only aired on DirectTV, so I have to watch crappy quality bootleg versions online. No broadcasting change has had such an adverse effect on my life since the NFL network decided to highjack a handful of games a season. Secondly, nobody gets any freaking older. Lyla and Riggins are still seniors after three years? Really? Really? Finally, I’m disappointed with the way the writers have balanced (or should I say imbalanced) the story lines. Honestly, I don’t give a shit about JD McCoy or his psychotic family. I watch the show to see alcoholic abusive parents, not overbearing soccer moms. What happened to Matt Saracen and Smash? I want to see how Smash is doing at Texas A&M. And did anyone see the last show? Saracen wasn’t even in it! Literally zero seconds of screen time! In addition, I don’t care about Landry’s freakish emo band or his new love interest/bassist. Watching them communicate on screen is physically agonizing, and every time I hear them play music I want to plug in a toaster and take a bath with it. Season three better pick up soon or I’m going be stuck watching Jeff Van Gundy and Reggie Miller discuss the result of the Alamo Bowl during half time of an Orlando-Toronto first round NBA playoff match up.
There. I feel better now.