While desperately trying to come up with an idea for this issue’s column on Tuesday afternoon, I was reminded by a front-page feature on SI.com that the MLB playoffs are nearly upon us. This came as something of a shock to me, given that my baseball season ended around mid-July, when it had become clear that every remotely capable player on the New York Mets was intent on spending the remainder of the season on the disabled list. The healthy ones, meanwhile, used the season to look for new and inventive ways to lose baseball games, best exemplified by the time when they allowed Phillies utility infielder Eric Bruntlett to snuff out a ninth inning comeback with an unassisted triple play. But I digress. The fact is, there are eight teams left in contention, most of whom I hate, but one of whom will end up winning the World Series. Personally, I’m rooting for a strike or the Rapture (which I presume would cause the playoffs to be cancelled). In actuality, I think the New York Yankees are finally going to win one for their long-suffering fans. (What has it been? Nine years?). I hope I’m wrong, but this is how I see it playing out.

ALDS — Yankees vs. Twins: While I would love to see the Yankees continue their decade-long tradition of losing early in the playoffs, it isn’t going to happen. While Minnesota had one of the top five offenses in baseball this year, this will not help them in a slugfest because the Yankees are number one in that category. Also, between CC Sabathia, AJ Burnett and a rejuvenated Andy Pettitte, the Yanks can shut Minnesota’s bats down, and I don’t think the Twins’ pitching staff can even come close to returning the favor. Yankees in 3.

ALDS — Angels vs. Red Sox: I’m tempted to pick the Angels here because of their deserved reputation as Yankee-killers, but I have a feeling it’s going to be Boston. Boston’s rotation is better at the top — John Lester and Josh Beckett beat anyone the Angels can throw out — even though Anaheim’s is deeper. The problem for the Angels is that the Sox can start the two of them four times in five games if they need to. The Angels’ batting order is a little better from top to bottom than Boston’s, but with DH David Ortiz, LF Jason Bay and C/1B Victor Martinez hitting better than they did earlier in the season, the difference is miniscule. One thing to consider; the Red Sox don’t lose Division Series’. They’re five for their last six. Red Sox in 5.

NLDS — Dodgers vs. Cardinals: St. Louis pitchers Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainwright are awesome. They’re 19-5 the second half of the season, and will be able to go four times in a short series. Meanwhile, the Dodgers’ rotation is a mess. Clayton Kershaw is the only guy on that staff I would want pitching for me in a playoff environment right now. Also, LF Manny Ramirez has not been Manny in recent months, and for Los Angeles to win this series, he will have to out-Manny the usual Manny. I don’t think that’s going to happen. Cards in 4.

NLDS — Phillies vs. Rockies: Rockies in zero. A massive sinkhole opens up, swallowing Citizen’s Bank Park, the entire Phillies team, and a decent portion of downtown Philadelphia. President Obama surveys the vast destruction, then goes on national television to announce a special vacation for all FEMA personnel. Sorry, fantasizing. While I hate the Phillies more than most genocidal dictatorships, there is really no comparison between them and the Rockies. The Phillies’ lineup is the best in the National League, and I trust the Cliff Lee-Cole Hamels-Joe Blanton tandem more than the Aaron Cook-Ubaldo Jimenez-Jason Marquis triad. Philly’s horrid bullpen won’t be a big factor. The Rockies could steal one at Coors Field, but that’s all. Ryan Howard will be series MVP after going 4-20 with 4 HR, 12 RBI, and 16 Ks. Phillies in 4.

ALCS — Yankees vs. Red Sox: 2004 is not going to happen again. That year, the Red Sox were even with the Yankees offensively, and probably a little better pitching-wise. This year, New York has an advantage in both, and they should be coming off an easy series. Boston, by contrast, will probably have to use Lester and Beckett twice each in a bruising encounter with the Angels. To win, Boston will need stellar performances from some combination of Tim Wakefield, Clay Buchholtz, and Daisuke Matsuzaka. Personally, I think the Yankees hitters will clobber them, and Yankees pitching will keep the Sawx’ hitters under control. Yankees in 5.

NLCS — Phillies vs. Cardinals: If this series materializes, it will be exciting. I think Carpenter and Wainwright have looked slightly better this season than Hamels and Lee, but the Phillies’ lineup is also deeper than that of the Cardinals. Look for CF Shane Victorino and LF Raul Ibanez, especially, to show why they’re almost as valuable as Howard, SS Jimmy Rollins and 2B Chase Utley. Games are going to be close late, so the bullpen will be a factor. Cardinals’ closer Ryan Franklin has been good all year, though he has struggled down the stretch. The Phillies’ back end of the bullpen will feature… who knows? This one will go the distance, Phillies choke in the ninth in Game 7. Cardinals in 7.

World Series — Yankees vs. Cardinals: New York’s rotation is deeper, even though Carpenter and Wainwright will keep the Cardinals in the games they pitch. So is the Yankees’ offense, despite the fact that 1B Albert Pujols and LF Matt Holliday comprise the best one-two hitting punch in baseball. Ditto for the back end of the Yankees’ bullpen — Franklin has been good, but Mariano Rivera and Phil Hughes are better. Sensing a theme? The Cardinals will stick around, but the Yankees will inaugurate their new park with a 27th World Championship. In the process, they will provide the youth of America with a valuable moral lesson. Throwing money at a problem doesn’t work? Don’t despair. Throw more money. Yankees in 6.